Long ago, the engagement party was hosted by the bride's parents in order to reveal the upcoming nuptials to family and friends -- at the party. Up until a few years ago, I had never encountered any such party, but I feel like they've become more common as of late. And the etiquette is not as solidly established anymore. It raises the question, can you throw the party, yourselves?
Of course you are excited -- you're getting married -- but it's not gracious to throw a party at which you are the guest of honor ("come celebrate us!"); it makes you look like you're demanding attention. And it's flat-out grabby to throw a party at which people will give you gifts -- so if engagement parties have become gift-giving occasions in your circle, you'll have to wait until someone else hosts.
And that's the safest choice -- if a friend or relative offers, wonderful. If not, don't fret. Engagement parties aren't that important in the pre-wedding lineup.
However, if the guest list is very small -- closest friends or family only -- and the gathering not so elaborate, the faux pas of hosting it yourself will probably be overlooked. The more formal it is, and the more wide-ranging your guest list, the more self-indulgent it looks.
A way around it? Throw a party to introduce the two sides of the family. Other people may refer to it as your "engagement party," but you don't have to let that deter you.
Did you have an engagement party, and if so, who hosted?
Do you think engagement parties are on the rise?
And . . . will you be offering to host an engagement party in someone else's honor?
Our Etiquette Adviser has a run-down on engagement-party etiquette -- don't miss it!
From: Tandon | 7/26/11 at 12:00 pm
We threw ourselves an engagement party and no one thought anything of it. It was an open house and I think about 40-50 people filtered through. Gifts were never mentioned although a few (mostly wine) were brought. Both sets of parents live several states away (and though invited, didn't come because of the distance) and we have the largest living space of all our friends here, making it impractical for either group to host for us. But even if neither of those were considerations, we still would have thrown our own engagement party. Why shouldn't we share our happiness and food with the people we care about? Why would we want our friends or family to pay for it?
From: Aurora | 7/26/11 at 12:23 pm
I agree with Tandon, I see no reason not to be gracious hosts to share your excitement with family or friends. We threw a small party for our family so they could meet and never expected gifts. A few people brought them anyway, but if we had not done it, we would have been left waiting for a loooonnggggggg time. To us it was more about celebration than anything else. And if formalities in terms of who's paying for other wedding related expenses are going out the window these days - and the bride and groom are sharing in those expenses - why shouldn't the same go for the engagement party?
From: Paige | 7/26/11 at 3:45 pm
If you're throwing your own party to announce your engagement there, then no gifts are asked, nor would they be considered beyond a regular hostess gift! In which case, by all means: host your own party. But if this is a gift-grab, wait till the shower.
From: Koren | 7/27/11 at 6:27 am
How interesting! Here in Australia engagement parties (and the accompanying gifts) have been de rigeur for decades. Traditionally, they were thrown by the parents of the couple but now it's more common for the newly-engaged couple to throw them. They dropped in popularity in the 90s but now they're back in a big way.
From: Emilie | 11/4/11 at 10:22 pm
We are planning on a Very small wedding (10 guests!). And the only way to appease all of the friends and family who wanted us to have a big wedding was to promise them an engagement party. We are hosting and will be specifying no gifts on the invites and we won't be registered, so it certainly won't look like a gift-grab. Everyone is really excited, and no one seems to think it's a no-no.
From: Tia | 11/13/12 at 9:32 am
Me personally I could care less if someone thought I was throwing my own engagement party or if I decided to want gifts. Thats the whole beauty about it... Its MY party. Thats almost like saying you can't host your own birthday party. Times have changed and each engagement party should be to the degree of what the couple wants and nothing less. There are no written rules about how to do this. Oh yes I will be getting married this December the 8th!!!!