As we all know (and many brides get scolded*): It's about the marriage, not the wedding.
But in a way, planning the wedding can be about the marriage. As you and your groom work through the etiquette minefields and heightened emotions and expectations (including your own), that's actually some pretty hefty practice for the difficulties of marriage -- with in-law negotiations thrown in for good measure.
But many faiths or clergy members are requiring couples to undergo some form of pre-marriage classes or counseling, to be sure that the big issues that can affect a union have been discussed between them.
Are you participating in premarital counseling?
* Insert eyeroll here. Because, just for the record: It is totally possible to be very wrapped up in planning the party and still not have lost sight of the real purpose.
From: Laura @ Saying "I do | 11/2/10 at 11:51 am
we have to go through a group class called Pre Cana which is hosted by a married couple within the church. So, it's not one on one "couples counseling" but it is talking about issues we may be faced with within the marriage and such. I am actually excited for it!
From: Erica N | 11/2/10 at 12:26 pm
Yes! My fiance and I are meeting with our priest about 5 times before the big day. We have loved every minute of counseling!
I've found that keeping things in perspective and reminding myself that this is the biggest decision I will ever make in my life (i.e., choosing the ONE person I will give myself away to, sacrifice for, forgive, love, and raise children with) makes the little bumps in the wedding planning process much more tolerable.
From: jen | 11/2/10 at 12:52 pm
My fiancé and I are having a non-denominational ceremony, and aren't required to to go through any counseling or pre cana, however, I kind of wish that we did. We know each other and understand each other well, but I think that premaritial counseling can bring up issues/discussions that we may not think of and that could be very beneficial to our relationship and marriage. Where does one go for such a thing if it's not a religious requirement?
From: Ashley | 11/2/10 at 1:01 pm
I have an interesting situation because I'm asking my grandfather to marry us. Now, my grandfather's very religious, being a minister and all, and he loves me very much, but he's also always sort of had a problem with the fact that I lived with my fiance even when he was just my boyfriend. I have no idea what he's going to make us do, but I know for a fact (because my mom promised me) that he's going to make us do something. As to the question of whether or not I have a problem with it? My fiance and I do not belong to a church and so I have absolutely no one else I would be willing to ask to officiate, but we are religious, so whatever my grandfather asks us to do, not only will I do it to make him happy, but who knows what you might learn about your partner when go through the counseling? This is my first marriage but my finace's second. I'm extremely interested in what counseling is going to entail.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 11/2/10 at 1:02 pm
@jen: I think that any sort of counseling center or counselor would help you find someone who'd help. I just did a Google search on "premarital counseling" and got tons of hits for NYC-area resources. I bet it wouldn't be as hard to find as you think.
In fact, any sort of marriage counselor would be thrilled, I bet, to be in on the beginning, instead of helping with only the tough patches. You could probably find someone through your Employee Work/Life Balance Assistance program (or whatever other companies call them).
I also know that the pastor who helped us with ours had a questionnaire for us to fill in and then discuss. So finding some sort of questionnaire, etc., online or in a book might help as well--if only to identify what sorts of topics you really should discuss, if you were going to DIY this.
From: Lisa | 11/2/10 at 1:19 pm
My fiance and I are having a non-denominational wedding as well, and not putting ourselves through any formal marriage counseling. That being said, it was important to me that we discuss some of the bigger issues and questions before tying the knot. A friend recommended a book called "The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do." My fiance and I are slowly working our way through the chapters and it has been a great conversation starter for issues and topics we didn't really think of before.
Also, our officiant has a short yet in depth questionnaire that she has requested we fill out that gives her (and ourselves) insight into our relationship so she can better customize and guide our ceremony.
From: jen | 11/2/10 at 1:55 pm
Wow! Thanks so much for the recommendations!
From: BC | 11/2/10 at 6:13 pm
I'm a (civil) marriage celebrant in Australia and by law, we are required to give all couples that we marry information on the importance of pre-marital counselling. It is up to the couples whether they choose to pursue it but many do.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 11/2/10 at 6:27 pm
@BC: That's fascinating! Does the information you give them include resources for finding a counselor to coach them through it?
From: Samantha | 11/2/10 at 7:58 pm
My fiancee's mother is a minister and she will be marrying us on our wedding day. She asked that we participate in premarital counseling because that is what she typically requires of the couples she marries. We are seeing a minister that lives nearby (mother-in-law lives in Detroit) that she recommended. So far we've gone to 2 sessions (with only 1 or 2 more left) and I really have enjoyed it. At times it has been difficult and emotional but it's nice to just lay everything out on the table, especially before we take the big plunge. In my eyes it can't do anything harmful, only help your relationship grow stronger. I would recommend it to others, in any medium you see fit. For our session, we had to take an online assessment tool. We each took the quiz separately and then went over it together with our minister. It was interesting to see our strengths and weaknesses! While it wasn't an exact science and some areas didn't really describe us perfectly, it certainly opened up conversations we probably wouldn't have had otherwise.
From: Liz | 11/3/10 at 7:21 pm
My fiance and I are getting married in the Catholic Church, which requires "marriage preparation." We've already completed our class and we both really enjoyed it. While it was helpful to talk about how we would handle some of the bigger issues, I thought the best part was talking about expectations for smaller, everyday things. It brought to light a lot of things I never would have thought to discuss. An added bonus is that, where we live (Texas), going through premarital counseling will save us about $70 on our marriage license!
From: Joey | 11/9/10 at 12:25 pm
My fiance and I participated in one and we were actually quite surprised with the outcome. We went in thinking that our assigned married couple would preach about godliness or whack us with a bible verse or 10. However, the older couple had a lot of interesting anecdotes to share and even pulled examples from their own marriage and how they dealt with their own ups and downs, with some divine help, of course. We were very lucky to have them share their experience with us (and not be preachy about it either). Think of it more as a guide to marriage, something you're likely to pull out during those rough times. And pray you don't get a preachy couple!
From: BC | 11/9/10 at 5:12 pm
Hi Talley-Sue,
The pamphlet we give them covers off the reasons why undertaking relationship education is important, along with the topics that it may cover. Each celebrant is also obligated to maintain a list of resources in the local area that provide counselling for couples' reference.
Every couple I meet, whether they choose to use my services or not, receives a list of reputable relationship education service providers in the area. Quite often, just raising the idea of counselling encourages couples to talk about issues they otherwise may leave til later (i.e., finances, philosophies of child-rearing, etc).