Boy, money's touchy, right? In addition to being worth something, it carries all sorts of really loaded emotional messages and symbolism: independence, generosity, obligation, gratitude, just to name a few hot buttons.
More couples are older when they marry, and the expectations for who pays for a wedding has shifted a lot. Nowadays, most people will say, "a couple should pay for their wedding themselves!" And yet . . . it doesn't seem "entitled" to want your parents to help you financially. (Especially if they're going to balk at your inviting fewer people.) In fact, many parents volunteer their help.
But can you ask, if your parents haven't offered? I think yes -- but you have to do it carefully. The last thing you want is to have your mom and dad -- or worse, his -- think you're greedy.
"Do you want to help us pay for the wedding, or should we proceed without you?" Or best of all, "What help will you be able to give us with the wedding?" Because this leaves the door open for them to tell you that money isn't one of the pieces of help they can give -- but manpower might be.
Are your parents helping? Did you have to ask them, and if so, how'd you ask?
From: Eve | 5/4/10 at 11:31 am
I was just out of college and on my own when I got engaged. I paid for my wedding. I did not ask my parents to help pay for anything because I knew they could not afford to help me and I didn't want to embarrass them. If a bride knows her parents are unable to help financially, then I think she should not ask for any help at all. I wouldn't even ask "What will you be able to give us toward the wedding?" Gimme, gimme, gimme. It puts some parents in an awkward position. "Just make the best of what you have" is an old fashion saying, but sometimes it's reality.
From: Gaylee | 5/4/10 at 6:19 pm
Since we live in a society where divorceis prominent, it is difficult to be the mother of the bride for the third time and still be expected to help with the costs. Marriage is difficult and expensive but perhaps common sense should prevail and a small service with a great party to follow would be far more appropriate under this circumstance.
From: Amberdawn | 5/4/10 at 11:51 pm
I'm a professional. My mom works an hourly wage. I don't want her money. When she said she wanted to help I was surprised, and said "I don't really need help, but if you'd like to, thank you." That way she doesn't have to worry about doing "enough," but I'm not going to embarrass her and say no when traditionally parents paid and she clearly wants to fill that role (even if it's partially). I don't know how much she plans to help with, but if she goes over the top I'll just treat more often when we go out for dinner more often.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 5/5/10 at 10:12 am
@Amberdawn: Your mom sounds like a perfect candidate for helping you with expertise, company, and some manpower. I think it's neat that you're wanting to respect her pride and her traditional role. I bet if you emphasize how much you appreciate all those non-monetary ways she helps you, she'll feel better about not being able to assist with as much, financially.
@Gaylee: the tradition was that the bride's parents ONLY host the first wedding. Second weddings are not on the list of things parents are expected to pay for. Feel free to refuse, or to scale DRASTICALLY back, for second weddings. (This is just one of the reasons why second weddings were traditionally much lower-key than first ones.)
From: Sarah | 6/22/10 at 2:34 pm
My parents are divorced, my father makes a lot of money and saves a lot of money. Also he helped my brother will college while I have been paying for my own college tuition. I am getting married next year, and havent set the date yet but have spoken to my father about getting married and where I want to have it. I know he can afford to help but he has not offered. I am going to try to ask politly and see what sort of response I get back.
From: Catherine Kumar | 8/22/11 at 8:30 pm
Well, it all depends as it could be a traditional thing as well. In our Fijian tradition normally the boys side buys all the food and takes care of all the wedding planning. The girls side just appears ; however, if you are Fijian and live overseas like the US a lot of time traditions are still followed but because things are so expensive the girls side does offer - it is not really the parents but the "clan" that will decide on the buying and everyone actually pitches in. it still happens today - it's just done in a very "urbanized" way. i am sure a lot of cultures living overseas do this and this is something to consider.
From: Michelle | 4/25/13 at 12:56 pm
My patents lived with my fiancée and I for a while, and they didn't pay any rent or utilities. They owe us money still, and we want it back. We're thinking that helping with the wedding is the best way for them to pay us back. Thanks for the tips!