When you ask someone to be your bridesmaid, you're giving her a great compliment: She's in your closest circle, one of the people you most want by your side on this important day.
But it's also a burden, as so many brides are aware. There can be extra expenses -- the dress, for sure. And bridesmaids often feel a greater obligation to contribute to shower-hosting costs and effort, and they may feel they need to travel for an extra day for the rehearsal.
I often encourage brides to be as upfront as possible about costs, and to ask their friends to think about it before saying yes. I remember once being asked to be in a wedding, along with my fiance, and thinking it was odd -- I wasn't that close to the bride nor was he with the groom. But when I suggested that we just say no, he was horrified.
Can someone turn down the honor? How would you feel if a friend said no? What excuse would you need?
From: Deborah Arndt | 10/4/11 at 2:02 pm
In my opinion, the most important factor in choosing bridesmaids should be the relationship itself, not who is going to look good in the pictures, please your parents/family or impress your guests with their popularity/importance. Some thought should be given to whether this relationship is likely to last a lifetime. I regret the choice I made for my maid of honor, as she quickly dropped out of my life. I think she would have done me a favor if she had graciously declined, because I think I thought a lot more highly of her than she did of me. Her husband was our best man, also. We tried to keep in touch with them when we all moved in different directions, but they didn't seem interested, so we eventually stopped trying. It's always been disappointing to me that we didn't have them in our lives to reminisce and celebrate with. In hindsight, I wonder if she did try to turn me down but I wasn't listening. However, if she wasn't planning to put any effort into our friendship anyway (and she warned me indirectly that she wasn't), then she might as well have taken a chance on ruining it by turning me down.
From: Heather | 10/4/11 at 2:04 pm
I am a bridesmaid in a wedding and until recently engagement parties were a thing of the past. The groom-to-be's sister(bridesmaid) and family are putting the event on. I was not asked to contribute and just received the invitation. I have two questions: Should I offer to contribute? What do I give as an engagement gift? Thank you for any help.
From: Amy | 10/5/11 at 9:23 am
I am in several weddings every summer it seems like (at least 3). I have gotten to a point where I say, "I feel that I can be more help - behind the scenes". I will do things like make breakfast for the girls the morning of - so i'm still around all the fun. I will also make sure the venue is all good to go before the wedding guests arrive. - It has worked out quite well.