As more and more couples send their invitations well before the traditional six- to eight-week time frame, guests are adjusting, too, by becoming more impatient.
One of our brides was bemused because her friend had called up to demand hotel information the day after he got the save-the-date -- two months earlier than their hotel would agree to block off the rooms.
Another was accosted by her aunt at a Labor Day barbecue: "I notice I haven't gotten an invitation to your November wedding. Am I not invited?"
Are people asking you for information early, or wondering when the invitations will arrive?
Or, are you wondering how to word your invitation? See our guide here.
From: Chartula | 4/5/11 at 11:56 am
Our couples are often under pressure from many directions, including guests, to send invitations quickly. Our job is to reassure them, and our advice is always the same. Send invitations no later than the traditional six - eight weeks before the big day, but choose a sending date that suits their wedding. For example we always advise against sending invites just before Christmas, as they get put in with a jumble of Christmas cards - where as receiving an invitation in January is much more exciting!
From: maribadi | 4/5/11 at 12:43 pm
We got engaged on Christmas, and by February, with no date set for our wedding, we were getting the "I want an invitaion" comments from more than one family member. Who invites themselves to a wedding? Of course these are people that I was going to invite, but when people "expect", it makes me not want to invite them.
From: Emily | 4/5/11 at 1:07 pm
What bothers me is people who reply with a guest when one wasn't invite or call and ask if they can bring a guest. NO IF A GUEST WASN'T LISTED ON YOUR ENVELOPE THEN DO NOT BRING SOME RANDOM FROM THE BAR SO I CAN PAY $150 FOR THEIR MEAL AND THEY CAN WATCH ME PARTAKE IT THE MOST PERSONAL DAY OF MY LIFE!!!! it makes me soooooo angry!
From: Sarah Spano (Hip Ink) | 4/5/11 at 1:23 pm
We've absolutely been having this issue where clients want to send out their invitations 3 months or more in advance, and many time it's due to pressure from parents/family.
I try to work with each couple to determine a maildate that makes sense for their event and situation, but I still generally recommend the traditional 6-8 week timeline.
From: Marilisa | 4/5/11 at 1:33 pm
With only two months to go until the big day, the awkward invitation requests/demands have been coming in. My fiance has found a solution: NOT knowing who is on the list. When someone comes walking up to us (usually at church) to ask about the wedding and if they're invited, he just says "I don't know...I'll have to check" while I find something to distract myself from the conversation or dart for the door. It just amazes me that people ask so bluntly!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 4/5/11 at 2:08 pm
@Chartula and @Sara Spano (Hip Ink): Interesting to hear from stationers, who are on the front lines in this, that there's so much pressure to send the invitations earlier.
There's a risk in sending them early--your guests may eventually forget to RSVP because they think they have so much time. And it really does dilute the excitement!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 4/5/11 at 2:10 pm
@Maribadi and @Marilisa:
Isn't that annoying? Anyone who asks that is only asking because they know they might *not* be invited.
Think about it--your best friend would never ask, nor would your sister. But an acquaintance absolutely would. We need to start training people about how rude that is.
But it's hard--*I* almost did it!
http://thebridesguide.marthastewartweddings.com/2011/01/etiquette-fish…-for-an-invite.html
From: Sacha | 4/5/11 at 2:31 pm
Lots of people think that I am crazy when I tell them that we are sending invitations out 8 weeks before the wedding - but I am sticking to my decision! So much etiquette has gone out the window, but I try not to follow the trend.
I've received invites up to four months before a wedding in the past and think its so tacky. Are you afraid that everyone is going to be busy and won't come?
From: lauren | 4/5/11 at 3:29 pm
Definitely agree with the 6-8 week guideline and that awkward invite questions are the worst...
In a destination wedding situation though (and by destination I mean anywhere but the city you live in), I believe many people feel anxious. Anxious to plan travel, get best hotel rates, or even put in for time off if needed. While it costs the bride & groom to have their wedding - it also costs the guests to go as well. In this economy many are budgeting what they can and can not afford.
@marilisa – Great tactic! For couples who know from the get go that they can not/do not want to invite everyone of their family, friends or coworkers, I think having a line like that to say from the beginning will avoid hurt feelings and probing questions.
@emily - Put yourself in the guests shoes. Who wants to go to a wedding (let alone travel to a wedding) by themselves? If you have the money & the space I am a huge advocate of inviting single guests with a plus one. If you are seeing someone and get a solo invite, it's a huge let down. Looking back, I’ve had brides call me casually and then lead into the “are you seeing anyone” conversation…they were definitely fishing to see if I was in a relationship and I appreciate the extra step they took to be accommodating.
From: Christina | 4/5/11 at 4:15 pm
Talley Sue, I'm not sure it is rude to ask if you are going to be invited - IF you can pull it off in a "I'm trying to plan my summer, am I supposed to set aside that Saturday in August for you?" way and not the "your wedding is all about ME" way.
I'm not sure how you'd do this. Perhaps staring by fishing "Congrats, so happy for you.....is it going to be a big wedding?" (translation, I'm your second cousin, I'm not getting invited if the response is "its an intimate gathering.")
I did once tell a bride "I know the horror of keeping a guest list reasonable....I'd love to be there, but don't feel like you need to invite me." The response was "Thank God." And a call after the RSVPs had all been in saying "do you still want to come."
From: Beth | 4/5/11 at 9:37 pm
I haven't received any pressure from anyone except myself! I live on the west coast and all of my family is on the east coast. I have been out here for 6 years now, and I know how difficult it can be as a guest to make a cross-country trip to attend a wedding for the weekend. It is hard for type-A planner-type people to have to wait to know what hotel to book. With airfare prices the way they are, it's also nice to have time to monitor the prices, but guests can't really book any flights until they know if they will be invited to any pre-wedding-day activities. I really sympathize with this problem. It has cost me hundreds in the past. Weddings are certainly expensive for whoever is hosting the event, but being a guest at a far-away wedding is also expensive.
Now that I'm having my own wedding and it will be on the west coast, I feel like I need to make it as easy as possible for everyone making the long trip. I've let many other planning projects fall by the wayside to get a website set up as soon as possible and get invites out the door about 13 weeks in advance.
Maybe my priorities are in the wrong place, but for a destination wedding (which my wedding essentially is even though my groom and I live here) I think getting information out as early as possible is really beneficial to most guests.
From: Julie Blanner, Coordinately Yours | 4/5/11 at 10:58 pm
I still feel 8 weeks is appropriate. Any more than that and guests may suspect you are doing an A list and a B list. I also question if Save the Dates have reset the standard and guests are expecting them, along with all applicable wedding and travel information.
From: Sarah | 4/6/11 at 3:26 am
We're having a destination wedding in November, and because the venue is one of the few places of accommodation on a popular walking track, they'll reserve all of their rooms for us only until 3 months before the wedding. At that stage they check to see whether we want to book out all the rooms (out of our budget), or let them open up to the public. All of which means we have to have our invitations out before the 3-month-prior mark or run the risk of not having enough accommodation for our guests.
From: Sarah | 4/6/11 at 6:50 am
Ours will be a destination wedding for about half of the guests (many are coming from other countries). To help them out with booking flights & hotels we put the hotel information on the save the date & our website. It's made it easier because everyone who received a save-the-date knows that they are definitely invited & can plan accordingly, but we still get to send out the actual invites at the appropriate 6-8 week mark. Many of them have been able to plan extended trips through the US & include our wedding as part of the overall trip since they had more time to plan out flights & vacation days. The issue we're running into is people trying to respond to the save-the-dates as if they're actual invites...
From: Melissa | 4/8/11 at 9:58 am
Our wedding is in June and people have been asking for hotel information since February! Granted, the vast majority of our guests are from out of state and needed to make travel arrangements, but I was shocked that we had to just start sending emails about hotels and transportation since clearly no one was waiting around to be formally invited!