Over in the comments for our blog post about an Expert Advice column with planner Lisa Vorce of Oh, How Charming! (yes, we read the comments!), JonElle asked:
My cousin and his wife are divorced. The ex-wife is still well liked and respected by the family; do I invite them both or do I only invite the ex-wife if my cousin declines? HELP!
I would think that JonElle should NOT invite the ex-wife. They have severed their family relationship, and she should respect that.
Inviting her to what is in many ways a family event could easily imply that JonElle thinks her cousin was wrong to get divorced, and that she is taking the side of the ex-wife. It's an awkward time for everyone, and there will be less drama if JonElle sticks with the basic etiquette rules (which are: recognize marriages, and recognize divorces).
Even if there are children as a result of that marriage, the ex-wife should not be invited. The kids can attend in the care of their father.
However, this all goes straight out the window if JonElle is close friends with the ex-wife -- with a friendship that existed outside any family gatherings, that had its own energy, its own time on her schedule. In that case, the woman would be invited as *a friend,* and would be seated with friends, etc., to make it clear that the bride is not commenting on the marriage/divorce issue.
But "well-liked by the family" doesn't qualify for that sort of status (lots of people are "well-liked by the family" and yet not invited). She's not in the family anymore. She'll understand why she was not included.
What do you think? Are divorces in your family affecting your guest list?
(JonElle also asked fellow readers for advice on this via our message boards! You should check in now and then.)
From: Tatjana Plitt | 8/10/10 at 9:11 am
This is a very sensitive subject. I think you invite the guest if there is no animosity between them and any of your potential guests. When you're planning your wedding, your big day, the last concern you should have is guests not getting along with each other. I would prefer to make the decision of not inviting instead of risking an otherwise lovely night
From: Belle | 8/11/10 at 10:24 pm
We have a similiar situation in my family. I actually think that the answer doesn't always fit the situation. The vows that couple took married her to the family... she may have divorced the man... but still has a relationship with the family. Sometimes family relationships and friendships build together. If you cherish someone then they should always be invited to celebrate with you. A wedding isn't about what other people of each other, it is about how you feel about the one you love, and how you want to share the joy of your marriage ceremony with everyone you care about... If you want someone to celebrate with you invite them to be your guest! If you are worried that they won't all get along, don't seat them at the same table... but remember that they are grown-ups and if they lived in the same house for years... they should be able to handle the same room for a couple hours.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 8/12/10 at 9:55 am
@Belle: I actually strongly disagree with you on one specific point.
One does not marry their spouse's family.
Wedding vows are ONLY between husband and wife.
You marry him (or her, of course)--and with him come the strong ties to his family. And you must respect them because of that.
You may develop a warm relationship on your own inside that context, and you may very much wish to continue that relationship even after the marriage ends.
But you do not at all marry his family simply by saying vows that marry you to him. That's not the dynamic.
And even if you did--then it would follow that you automatically divorce them as well, no?
Perhaps you marry INTO the family--but then you divorce right back out.
I agreed with you, actually, that if that relationship between the individuals is quite close, and is a friendship apart from the in-law relationship, she should be invited. On the strength of the friendship, and never on the strength of a marital relationship that does not exist anymore.
And in almost every instance that you are inviting her, you should seat them at a different table, PERIOD, even if they will get along. She's not there as his mate; she should be seated where a *friend* would be seated.
From: Nicole | 9/26/10 at 7:45 am
Depends on your relationship with her. Is she your best friend or something? Do you have a relationship with her that is separate?
I've got a lot of relatives who don't talk to each other, when I have events I invite everyone, they can decide whether to come or not, if they all say yes I seat them far away from each other.
From: Scarlett | 7/30/11 at 2:31 pm
An ex spouse (husband/wife)is just that - an ex. There is a situation in our family that has become very uncomfortable because the ex-wife has her children call and ask if their mother can attend family get togethers. This ex-wife had a bitter divorce with our cousin/uncle and since he has passed away, she feels entitled to attend our family gatherings. Even calling herself "Aunt" to those who barely know her. The rest of our family keeps family gatherings quiet so not to have to deal with this person attending.