From our AskMartha mailbox came this letter from a reader:
We're having a very small destination wedding in another state. The guest list is family and really close friends -- about 40 people. But the roommate of one of my friends (I barely know him) has somehow gotten the idea that he is invited even though he has not received a save-the-date or an invitation. What do I do? I don't want to be rude to him, but he just doesn't seem to get it. Please help!
Sort of amazing, right? (Guestzilla rides again!) Hers is an extreme case, but almost any couple could find themselves in this situation -- with someone assuming that of course they are invited! Or, saying, "You'd better invite me!"
Sometimes you can just let them figure it out when the invitation fails to arrive; it's not necessary to make things clear at that very moment. But when you think you need to say something, or if they put you on the spot, here is your response -- Miss Manners-approved (deliver it with a touch of regret):
"It's a small wedding."
Small is a relative term. Any wedding too small to include them must be a small wedding, right? Even if it's 150 people, it's "small." Throw in a "we wish we could include everybody" for good measure.
Oh, and be sure you aren't talking about your wedding plans in front of them -- that's not polite, and it could contribute to the problem.
(Though for this guy, the bride's friend needs to say to his roommate, "Dude, they're inviting 40 people -- that's 20 people each. Why would you think you're one of them?")
Have you faced this problem? How are you handling it?
From: WeddingXpert | 7/27/10 at 8:15 am
Haha good point! And great advice. I would also tell the bride to say this sooner or later, because if he's already made assumptions in front of you with your contradiction, he may have reason to think he was invited. Be firm, be strong!
From: Tammy | 7/27/10 at 9:26 am
We had this problem! We had a small garden ceremony, and a dinner reception at a restaurant and only invited immediate family. Some how one of my cousins (who is close with my mother) ended up coming with my mother, AND she brought her boyfriend! My cousin and her boyfriend show up without even a card, and he had the nerve to order top shelf liquor when we specifically told the restaurant to offer house wine & beer only to keep costs down.
I had another cousin send me a facebook message saying "We're sorry we couldn't make it", when they weren't even invited! I told her "it was a small wedding. we wish we could have afforded to invite more people"!
From: Shantel | 7/27/10 at 10:53 am
We are having this problem too, only ours isn't a small wedding. We have a 200 person guest list, but still can't invite everyone. We both have large families and are paying for it ourselves. It's really tough to say "it's a small wedding" or "we have large families" when our closer friends are invited and other friends assume they are too since it's a big wedding.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/27/10 at 11:13 am
@Shantel: that is hard! But I think your friends ought to understand the idea that you have large families. Just blather on a little bit about family pressures. Say, "there weren't many spaces left for us to invite our friends."
Maybe even complain a little bit to your friends about how you couldn't invite people that were friends, because you got stuck with so many family members. If they feel that you regret they couldn't be there, maybe they'll feel "honored" enough.
And if all else fails, blame it on your parents--even if your friends know that you're footing the bill. (Though that's an argument for discretion in terms of sharing that info with people; whatever they don't know can be used against them, LOL!) Because even if you are footing the bill, that doesn't mean that you are cavalier about your parents and their feelings, or about your grandparents and their definition of "family."
And, the less you talk about your wedding in front of your friends, the better!!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/27/10 at 11:15 am
@Tammy--sounds like your mom messed up, too. Though maybe she felt really on-the-spot. The more polite among us often have trouble sticking up for themselves and defending boundaries. People like your cousin and your cousin's boyfriend figure this out early on, and take advantage of it.
From: Tracy | 7/27/10 at 3:26 pm
We had this problem with our 50 person wedding and felt the need to send an email to family and friends explaining the situation. We only invited immediate family and a few friends outside of the wedding party. We felt it was necessary to inform our aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that while we had planned to have a larger wedding and had we done so, they would have of course been invited, we were having a small wedding and therefore we would be unable to invite them. We in general received a very positive and loving response by reaching out and being upfront with people, many sent us gifts anyway. We did have one person who did not take the news well and reacted very poorly, but in general, just informing people that they were not invited, in a polite manner seemed the right thing to do. Otherwise family especially is going to assume they are invited and you are going to create a possible awkward situation or have uninvited guests.
From: Norma | 7/27/10 at 10:15 pm
As I recently told a friend who was apologizing to me because he could not invite me to his wedding:
"Never apologize because you have more relatives and friends than you can afford to entertain at ANY specific occasion. Simply say, 'We can't afford to invite all of the wonderful people in our lives. I know you, of all people, will understand.'"
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/28/10 at 10:37 am
That "I know you will understand" is a GREAT tactic.
It's pre-emptive, but it's totally positive. It's a compliment, how can they complain?
Who is going to say, "well, actually, I don't understand!"
Phrases like, "I'm hoping I can count on you" are similarly useful. (Perhaps a bit manipulative, but that is actually what you're trying to do, right.)
From: Bridget | 7/28/10 at 8:24 pm
My fiance works in the hospital, and spends most days in the O.R. He's as charming and friendly as they come, so people tend to think that he's one of their really good friends. It's sweet, really. But last week, one of the techs in the O.R. told him that he'd meet her boyfriend because she was bringing him to the wedding. Trouble is, she's not invited. He's never even seen her outside of the hospital, so it wasn't ever a consideration.
I told him to blame my side with something like "Her parents have a ton of friends and family, so the list was really big to start with. Unfortunately it meant we couldn't invite everyone."
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/29/10 at 9:38 am
@Bridget: The tone of regret is key.
And isn't it funny, the people who assume they'll be invited? I wonder sometimes if it's that they hold the groom/bride in higher regard, maybe they don't have as many people in their life outside work, so work people seem more important?
Or maybe they come from a culture of huge weddings with inexpensive food at a flexibly sized venue. I know that in my original culture of "cake and punch receptions" held at the church fellowship hall, I could invite almost anyone I wanted to--scaling up to 250 people or more would be very inexpensive.
(I bet you will find, as you go through life together, that it is sometimes handy to be able to "blame" one another for things like this. (Of course, just be sure the two of you are on the same page.)
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/29/10 at 9:40 am
@Tracy--You make a very valid point, especially when the event will be much smaller than the family is used to. They won't be weird or conceited at all to think that they'd be invited to your wedding, so giving them a loving head's-up is probably a very wise tactic.
From: Marcia Goldman | 7/29/10 at 12:57 pm
Whew, we are in the midst of our second wedding this year and our daughter's friends and responding that the uninvited "and guest will accompany me" people are multiplying. We cannot accommondate an extra 20 people. In addition, friend guests are calling the bride to say they cannot afford to come, but they want to bring a guest. Or, they need transportation and will she pick them up. Or, they cannot afford to stay overnight and can we pay for their room? Or I thought I would be in your wedding party and you did not ask me, my feelings are hurt. Or, I cannot get a babysitter so we are bringing our 2 year old with us.
Obviously, they have never had, or paid for a wedding.
My daughter is stressing out with all this.
I have told her to blame us, say that we really would like to have these extra people, but we cannot. Their responses have been along the lines of " well, then I won't come".
Any suggetsions? Thanks so much!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 7/29/10 at 1:08 pm
@Marcia Goldman:
I guess I have one suggestion: Breathe a sigh of relief that they're not going to come! And if they decide they are SO hurt, maybe you can convince your daughter that this is one friendship she is better off without.
You have a great opportunity to model for your daughter how to handle these sorts of self-involved, self-important people. Roll your eyes and brush them off. Be confident--you know you are right, and they are extreme. (Who asks a bride to give them a lift when it's her wedding day?!?!)
Coach her to say, in a tone just *slightly* tinged with regret, "We'll miss you then. But we certainly understand."
Because, the truth is, they can't come. They can't afford it, they can't get a sitter, they're uncomfortable at the wedding by themselves--if they were more mature, they'd say, "I won't be able to attend, but we wish you well."
Wherever possible, I would vote for YOU calling them, just to add some authority to the "I'm sorry, we don't have room for Susie's guests to invite guests of their own to her wedding. You aren't the only person who was invited solo. So if we made an exception for you to bring a guest of your own, that would create some pretty hurt feelings on the part of all the other people who were gracious enough to understand our restrictions. I'm sure you can understand."
And if these friends are anyone whose parents you know, I wouldn't be above a little behind-the-scenes co-parenting, by calling their folks and saying, "just between us parents, who look out for one another's kids, I spotted something that might harm your child, bcs she/he didn't understand about not adding someone to the wedding invitation. We've smoothed things over here, but if you gave him a head's-up on how it works, it might help her/him. Don't tell him we complained, bcs we're not complaining, but I think this is a gap in her/his social education. Lots of the kids seem to have it."
The "I thought I'd be in your wedding"--I guess a patient and slightly regretful, "I just ran out of room! Please understand how hard it is" is her best bet.
From: Barbara | 8/9/10 at 4:30 am
It is always difficult to have a small wedding. My fiancé and I have a lot of friends and my family is huge! I am the first to wish everyone could come but even though I am so excited about the wedding and the preparation I know we cannot afford to have everyone, so we decided not to talk about the wedding with friends in order to make sure no one not invited decide they are invited... and when people ask us something or tells us "we've heard about the great news!" we simply say that we wish we could invite everyone (which is true) but we are having a very small wedding.
From: Leah | 6/1/11 at 6:51 pm
My son is having an outside adult wedding @ our home and the invitation states that it is and adult wedding. We have a friend that rsvp with 5 when the invitation was address to him & his fiancé only.... they are including her two children and his one, they are over 18. How do I handle telling them that the invitation was only for the two of them.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 6/2/11 at 10:31 am
@Leah--that actually shows the drawback to "adults only"--because, hey, *their* kids aren't disruptive children. Their children ARE adults.
The problem isn't that they didn't read "adult wedding"--the problem is that they didn't look at the envelope.
Basically, you have to call (no e-mails or texts!!) and say, "I'm so sorry that you didn't understand--our invitation was for the two of you only. We've had to limit our guest list, so we can't extend an invitation to Sam, Susie and Sarah. I'm sure we'll have an opportunity to spend time with them on another occasion."
Proceed from the assumption that they just made a mistake, or were so overcome by their affection and excitement that they missed it, or were hoping you'd make an exception. That'll help you get the tone right.
Best of luck!
From: Kathy | 9/18/11 at 9:48 pm
I am in a similar situation - wedding invite list of only 30 people and a destination wedding.
Is there a way to formally let family / friends know of the wedding plans while politely letting them know it is immediate family and very close friend only?
I like the email idea, but am wondering if something more formal would be a good option as well. Does etiquette suggest the FYI come during engagement time or right before / after the wedding?
Due to siblings involved the news is already getting out (thanks facebook...), so I'm hoping it's okay to say something sooner rather than later.
Thanks!