According to my newspaper yesterday morning (The Daily News), there is one other person who didn't make the guest list for the nuptials of Marc Mezvinsky and Chelsea Clinton: the groom's uncle.
The rift between them began last year and is apparently still fresh enough that no invitation arrived at Norton Mezvinsky's NYC home. And it's a little hard for Marc to claim the classic "it's a small wedding" as an excuse.
If they'd asked me, I'd have said they should have invited him and simply seat him a little farther away; with 400+ other guests, it wouldn't be hard to simply ignore him. Our culture places a huge emphasis on inviting family members to weddings. So this is a serious message that Marc and Chelsea are sending.
Does Uncle Norton deserve it? Who knows? But it's very public within the family. (And thanks to the Daily News, it's now very public to all the rest of us.)
Are you wrestling with a rift in your family? How are you handling it?
From: Shawn | 7/31/10 at 6:08 pm
In fact, we are dealing with some family rifting. On DH's side, his mother has decided she doesn't like me and I'm not welcome in her home. On my side, my brother told me that he and his wife have had issues about my relationship w/my DH- they didn't like us living together before marriage, nor do they approve of our religious differences (which really do not exist, we have similar beliefs), and his wife (of 30 years) dislikes me (supposedly I've been a bad aunt and she has a problem re. the interfaith aspect of my relationship w/my DH).
So, that makes for some interesting dynamics. My MIL isn't invited to our wedding (nor would she be apt to come, but I won't put it past her creating some sort of melodrama the day of the wedding, in which case I will.....never mind). My brother's wife has no plans to attend the wedding.
I did, in fact, come to this site in order to seek advice as to whether or not I should put my brother's wife's name on the invitation. Right now, I'm debating whether or not I should even send an invitation to their address at all, since our last phone conversation was so enlightening regarding their feelings about my relationship with my husband. I never questioned or judged them when they got married-- it never would have occurred to me!
What to do...I'm more concerned about proper etiquette than I am their feelings, to tell you the truth.
Thanks!
From: Sarah | 8/1/10 at 10:33 pm
I honestly clicked on this link for a similar reason. I am estranged from my mother and have no plans to invite her to my wedding. We have not spoken to each other in over two years, including holidays and birthdays. It was easier when she lived on the other side of the country; however, she has recently moved within a few hours of me. I was really hoping this post would have helped me to see that i am not the only one with these issues, but an uncle is not really as close as a parent....
As for your brother, you need to do what you feel is best for you and your day. You want people who share your happiness around you on your day and not take away from it. And if you feel very strongly that his presence would take away from your day, then you have every right not to invite him; however, if you feel you would regret not having extended an olive branch to him, then you should, by all means, include his wife on the invitation.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 8/2/10 at 12:13 pm
@Shawn - I think that etiquette would generally say that you invite both your brother and his wife; they're a unit. But etiquette would also say that neither she nor your brother should ever say the things they've said to you. At this point, I might suggest that you save an invitation out, and then send them a letter that says, "Given our last conversation, I don't want to burden you by inviting you to our wedding. If your opinion of our marriage changes, please let me know. You are my family, and are very important to me, so I am saving an invitation for you. If either of you you decide that you can support us wholeheartedly, or wish us well without reservation, I would love to have you there."
Then, the ball is in their court. You haven't refused to invite them; you've asked them whether they want you to do so. (and then seat them somewhere sort of on the edge, so you don't have to talk to them much)
@Sarah: I think that in your case, I'd vote for not inviting her. Your estrangement is well-established and clear. Now is not the time to change it--not unless you truly think that the relationship could be different in the future (that olive branch). From my contact w/ readers, i know that you are not the only person with this problem; my heart goes out to you. it must be hard, and sad.
From: Steph | 8/3/10 at 10:05 am
i find the emphasis we place on inviting family in most worldwide cultures is a wonderful tradition. i cannot wait for my family to be there to celebrate this day (in three weeks!)
that being said i have a rather unique situation. my father married my stepmom when i was three. i saw her family (her parents and sisters and their families) quite a bit more when i was younger. for the last 12 years i see them less than once a year on average, so i don't really consider them my family. however i understand it's gracious to invite them if that's important to my stepmom and so i did.
there was a family problem that arose when i was in high school and from that stemmed a lot of animosity from one of her sisters (and particularly this sisters husband) towards my brother, mother, myself and even my nana. they have had open hostility and were even threatening at one point.
i made it clear that i did not feel comfortable nor felt it was appropriate to invite said sister and her husband to my wedding. my real family feeling comfortable is my priority. and thus they were not invited to the shower either. my step mom is rather angry about it (it has even led to her not informing me my dad is having open heart surgery and telling me i'm not allowed to see him after) and included her sisters name on her gift at the shower, just to make a point.
i don't want to dig my heels in and be stubborn, but i really do feel that i have the right to not invite them considering the history and considering that i don't really view them as my family. my dad even stated that they don't want to come but i should still invite them. am i completely off here?
From: Shawn | 8/4/10 at 5:57 pm
@Talley Sue-Thanks so much for your advice. It's greatly appreciated, and meaningful. We'll do our best to handle it in a gracious and proper fashion....and a good attitude. It's kinda hard, in that today we just received another "snubbing" from that part of the family, lol...
@Sarah-Thanks for your comments, too. That's just it-- I don't want anyone taking away from our joy on that day...and I hope your situation works out in the nicest possible way.
@Steph- No, you're not completely off. I understand what you're saying and feel for you, truly.
From: Erika | 2/2/11 at 10:37 pm
I am having a similar issue and would love advice as well. My fiance's aunt and his father do not get along and haven't for years, however we had planned on inviting her to make peace. We had sent out our save the dates and my fiance's aunt told us that she won't be coming to our destination wedding since we hadn't gone through her (she is a travel agent) and that she had expected to make money off us. Then, she proceeded to email the family with horror stories of our tropical location and disrespect my family and my fiancé Since she verbally told us she won't be coming-do we still have to invite her? I am literally uncomfortable with the thought of her being there. Thanks for any advice.