A mother of the bride wrote us recently (AskMartha@MarthaStewartWeddings.com) to ask:
My daughter doesn't live where the wedding is being held. How should we word on the invitation monetary gifts and gift cards welcome without coming across the wrong way.
In my book, there isn't any polite way to mention gifts of any sort on the invitation itself, and to mention money or gift cards would be extra bad.
Here's why.
The invitation is a single paragraph, and usually it's only one sentence. Add in "black tie" and "RSVP," and you've got three:
"come to our celebration; we're all dressing up; let us know if you're coming"
If you mention a gift, it then says:
"come to our celebration; we're all dressing up; let us know if you're coming; buy us a gift"
Mention the idea of money or gift cards, and it says:
"come to our celebration; we're all dressing up; let us know if you're coming; give us cash."
Icky vibe, right?
The best she can do is rely on word of mouth to remind people (if the invitation's return address doesn't help) that bulky gifts will be hard for the couple to transport home. THAT is something she can bring up with anyone, even though she can't say, "Give them money."
From: maywedding | 3/22/10 at 12:37 pm
A friend had the same issue but for a shower. We lived in the same town as the shower but she did not, and as our gift, we took home the presents, boxed them, and paid shipping charges.
From: decwedding | 3/22/10 at 4:57 pm
I have this same problem--wedding is in the midwest, I live on the east coast. I feel like shipping gifts is an incredible waste of money. My plan, although somewhat cumbersome, is to receive gifts whatever form, gift cards, cash, or the gift, return large items that won't fit in my luggage, and then rebuy them when I return home. It's definitely kind of annoying, but avoids sounding tacky on the invite and allows guests to give exactly what they want.
Any other suggestions are welcome!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld, managing editor & etiquette columnist | 3/22/10 at 5:12 pm
I wonder if a store in Omaha would be willing to give you a chit for your KitchenAid mixer that you can take into the same store in Virginia.
The problem would be whether the same store chain exists on both coasts.
But otherwise, I think your plan is fine. The only problem might be that it's logistically very difficult--it means you have to get to all sorts of stores in the midwest, and you might be traveling for a honeymoon, etc. (Of course, you can delegate to Mom, but you'll need to be sure she's discreet!)
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld, managing editor & etiquette columnist | 3/22/10 at 5:13 pm
Oh, and of course, this wouldn't be a problem is people would follow the technical etiquette rules and have their gifts sent to your home! (but then, there would be some people who would drop it off at your parents' home, and you'd be in the same pickle, right?)
From: Andrea | 3/23/10 at 11:33 am
we just said at the bottom of the save the date, and in our invitation at the bottom of the info/weekend festivities card "accommodation details and more available on our wedding website" and listed the site. the site has our registry info on it and says that we prefer gifts to be shipped. i think nowadays it's just not a big deal, most people online shop or can ship it from the store, and if you don't live where the wedding is pf course people will understand.
From: Nicolamae | 5/3/10 at 2:46 pm
I was thinking about a similar issue I'm having. I've decided that what I'll be doing is posting my wedding website address where there will be more information about the location, local hotel information, and a link to wherever I may be registered. I will also mention that a gift of any kind is not necessary and that their presence is the only present we want.