And now, for the second installment in our new dueling etiquette series: Is it rude to not allow people to bring a guest? Does it matter if you’re a bridesmaid?
Talley: Well, you *must* invite people’s spouses (it’s a wedding -- honor the state of marriage!), their fiancés (hey, it’s only a timing thing), and their live-in romantic partners (nowadays, psuedo marriage gets social support). It's rude not to include them.
However, sweethearts (even long-time boyfriends) or other non-partner people are not "must invites." No, not even for a bridesmaid. Your wedding is not the prom; people aren't supposed to need a date in order to come, they're supposed to be there in order to share the day with you and your groom.
But I’ve been hearing lately from so many guests that they are furious over the exclusion of their sweetheart. Or resentful that they’ll have to attend a wedding at which they don’t know anyone.
You could make an argument for allowing all wedding-party members to bring a guest, even if other guests don't get an "and guest"-type invite. But that opens the door for your other friends and family to be angry that their sweethearts weren't included. Only you can decide if being hassled by your *other* college roommate is easier to deal with than having a bridesmaid crabby at you on the day-of.
If you decide not to cave, have a sit-down with your bridesmaid and explain why you are limiting your guest list. Share all the reasoning behind the tough decisions—the pressure to include relatives that pushed the guest list numbers up; the domino effect of having to invite a date for everyone else; the reality of the per-person cost (it’s not just “per plate”; and that can be a lot of money to pay for someone else to have a date). If you can get her to see the world you’re seeing, she may find it easier to understand.
Cara: Listen, it’s not your fault if Guest A doesn’t have a boyfriend and Guest B does. If you don’t want to (or can’t afford to!) invite every single person with a date, then don’t—it’s that easy! And in any case, don’t you want to have a relationship with the people who come to your wedding? I mean, imagine trying to profess your undying love in a room full of strangers from an escort service. Shudder.
Consistency is key here—you can’t let some people bring dates and make others come solo for no reason. I sort of like the “you can only bring a date if you’re married (duh!) engaged, or living together” rule. Any less specific, and you’ve opened the floodgates: “But he told me he loved me! or “I slept over and he remembered my name!”
Bottom line? Unless we’re talking about a bridesmaid here (it would be kind of rude to ask someone to buy a pricey dress, throw you a bachelorette party, and put up with your hissy fits for months and months if you’re not planning on shelling out a plate for her date, no?), it’s up to you whether the invite says “plus one.”
It seems like we're both in agreement today. How would you weigh in on the question?
From: Jamie | 2/10/10 at 12:08 pm
Here's the trouble we had: most of our friends are in serious relationships (live together or are engaged, if not already married). But not all. The rule we finally settled on was that if someone was in a serious relationship, they were given a +1 on our guest list (and we made sure to get the names of those significant others for the inner envelopes). Everyone else was NOT permitted a guest. We spread the word early through family- no dates for the sake of dates. The vast majority of our guests are family members, so it was not a big concern for us that guests would be sitting by themselves.
From: and guest « The Happy Nappy Bride | 2/10/10 at 2:58 pm
[...] I was on the Martha wedding site and they say that I’m right! Woo hoo!! Go on over here and check it out, but here’s a [...]
From: Happy Nappy Bride | 2/10/10 at 2:59 pm
We're limiting "and guests" as well. So far, so good on negative feedback.