Posted by Talley Sue Hohlfeld, Etiquette Expert
I got an e-mail from my sewing buddy Rachel (you can send me a question too, at AskMartha@MarthaStewartWeddings.com) about how to let her single guests know that they'll be able to invite a guest of their own.
There's nothing actually *wrong* with writing "and guest" on the invitation envelope (except that Miss Manners hates it). It's just really indistinct—its message is, "you can bring somebody, and I don't care who it is." And it's really, really impersonal, and therefore rude when you know (or could find out) the name of the actual person your friend might actually invite.
But it's also a little funny looking, and perhaps a more personal way to let someone know is to write a note on the save-the-date itself, if there's room: dash a note across the bottom corner that says: "Jim—we'll have room for you to bring a guest. Start thinking who you'd like to invite." One great advantage to this approach: Even if your friend has a semi-steady boyfriend, if he's not available, she can see if her big sister (who also "knew you when") could come with her.
What do you think of "and guest" as a wording choice? Will you use it?
From: ShannonP | 1/11/10 at 12:42 pm
I refused to write 'and guest' on an exterior envelope and opted not to use an interior envelope, so I made a point to find out the significant others name if an 'and guest' was indeed invited. I think it adds a bit of personal touch and caring to the invitations.
From: Amanda | 1/11/10 at 1:30 pm
What about people who you know will likely want to find a date for your wedding, or people who (lets be honest) don't tend to have long relationships?
"and guest is practical. If you can find out who the person is bringing, you should by all means do so. However, if you want to extend the opportunity for your guest to bring a date or friend and you don't have that person's name, "and guest" is really your only option.
It's great to be a stickler about some thing, but this isn't really the place for that. Calling every single one of your single friends and demanding to know the name of their date so that you can properly address your envelopes is embarrassing and annoying for them and a complete headache for yourself.
Just "and guest" it!
From: Queen of Cashmere | 1/11/10 at 1:53 pm
I think that "and Guest" must have it's origins in the era when social standing wasn't conveyed upon someone until they were married. It's a relic that needs to be put to rest. Now we value manners that signal personal warmth and thoughtfulness more than cold social conventions. Names are always a must.
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld | 8/24/10 at 3:40 pm
As Amanda points out, "and guest" is actually preferred when the situation truly is that you know they don't have a definitely social partner, and you'd like them to feel free to bring anyone they'd like.
It's *only* when do you who they'd most likely bring, or when they've declared a social partnership, that it's rude.
People declare a formal social partnership by marrying, getting engaged, or moving in together. And they may have an informal social partnership if they've been dating a long time. (In this case, they might live in separate homes, but you'd either send them each their own invite, or send one invite to the person you know really, really well, and write the name of their date, whom you don't know nearly as well, on the inner envelope.
And always, "and guest" belongs only on the inner envelope. (Well, the outer envelope, if that's the only one you're using.)