Posted by Talley Sue Hohlfeld, Etiquette Expert
In response to one of our previous etiquette items (about a mother-of-the-bride with a limited guest list for a destination wedding, but lots of local friends and relatives), a reader told about her plans for her engagement party.
We are
having a small wedding...but we still wanted to share it with
everyone so we had a big but budget engagement party in our back yard.
Then when people ask about the wedding we just say we are having
something very small out of town.
That reminded me of a "squishy" part of engagement-party etiquette. Must you limit yourself to inviting only people that you are *sure* will be invited to the wedding itself?
The sources we rely on aren't always clear. Emily Post from 1991 says "The guest list is unlimited, but the majority of engagement parties are restricted to relatives and good friends. Occasionally—and it is not improper—the party is a huge open house or reception, including all the friends of both families."
However, I know that many other sources will say you *should* limit your list. I know a bride who found herself reluctantly adding someone to her wedding guest list because the 'rents invited them to the engagement party—and the guests clearly took it as an indicator they'd be invited to the wedding itself.
Being invited to *any* social event is a clue that the hosts think
you're important, so you can't quite blame the E.P. guests for thinking
it means something. And it doesn't help that nowadays, most people think of engagement parties as gift-giving occasions (regardless of what all the etiquette books say—which is "gifts firmly not required").
And just to make matters harder, usually an engagement party should take place pretty soon after the engagement itself, so you may not know how many guests you'll invite to the wedding. You just haven't gotten that far yet! And if your engagement is long, there may be people who are part of your life now (friends, etc.) who will fade out before the last months before the invite.
So, what do you think? Is it important to restrict that guest list? Or can you have a big engagement party, and still get away with not inviting all of those people to the wedding?
From: Emily | 11/18/09 at 4:40 pm
I think everything depends on size and location, and the styles of the couple and their families. My fiance's parents are more social than mine and have many more friends than would be appropriate to invite to our wedding. So, they've decided to have an engagement party for us with all of their friends, basically to say "we think you're special even if you're not invited". We're making it very clear that they are not expected to bring gifts to this party. It may not be kosher in EP's world, but it's better than doing nothing at all for their friends who can't be invited. Again, I think the right answer has more to do with peoples' personalities and your wedding's style than definitive right and wrong.
From: Mary Browne | 12/5/09 at 8:48 pm
I have a similiar question: our daughter is having a very small family wedding. Would it be improper to invite people to a Bridal Shower and not include them on the wedding invitation list?
Thanks for your comments.
Mother of the Bride
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld, Managing Editor, Martha Stewart Weddings | 12/7/09 at 3:06 pm
@Mary Browne: Yes, it would be rude to invite people to the shower (which is an occasion on which they *must* give a gift) if they are not important enough to be invited to the wedding itself. Showers are *only* for your closest of friends and relatives.
The only exception ever mentioned in etiquette books is if there essentially is *no* wedding reception--like, the bride & groom practically elope, or marry with only their parents in attendance. Then the shower can be almost a substitute reception.
But this is SO rare that I would strongly advise you not to decide that it applies.
You can certain have any number of dinner parties in the newlyweds' honor, of course. As long as the guest list is different each time.