Posted by Grace Bonney, of Design*Sponge
I’ve avoided talking about some of the more awkward things involved in planning a wedding because quite frankly, most of my family and friends are reading these posts. I certainly haven’t posted anything untrue, but I’ve avoided certain topics because I didn’t want to upset anyone or step on any toes.
That said, one of the stickier topics we’ve had to deal with—although not as sticky as budgets and keeping everyone happy—is the idea of a wedding registry. It seems like a fairly benign topic, but it’s been a tough one for me to stomach, much like the idea of a bridal shower.
I didn’t have a bridal shower for the same reason I fought having a registry: we don’t really need anything. Not that Aaron and I are sitting around our apartment laughing while we roll around in a big pile of possessions, but we’ve been together for over five years, and we’ve been living together for four of those. So most home things we needed, we bought. Towels? Yep. Silverware? Yep. Sheets? Too many to count (I have a weakness for bedding).
Though I did manage to escape the bridal shower by promising my parents they could throw a huge baby shower whenever the time comes, the idea of not creating a registry didn't fly. So we created a small registry, mainly for family, at Heath Ceramics and Williams Sonoma.
Some beautiful pieces I saw when i visited Heath Ceramics.
I’ve always had a hard time with the idea that someone who’s paying to come to your wedding, especially a destination wedding like mine, should have to do anything BUT get themselves to your wedding. But, like everything else, I’ve heard from a few people who were shocked that we even thought about not having a registry. I went around to most of our friends and said “Please, the registry is for our families, DON’T BUY US ANYTHING,” but inevitably it will happen. Or worse, we’ve had couples tell us that even though they didn’t ask for gifts, but rather charity donations, they knew who did and didn’t give. The last thing I want to give anyone is a guilt trip about a gift.
I feel like every single person coming to our wedding is a big giant gift all on their own. In times like these, the fact that they bought a ticket and took time off to spend in another state just for us is overwhelmingly generous. A present on top of that can be too much.
From: sewbettie | 3/5/09 at 3:29 pm
I read somewhere (can't recall at the moment where) about a bridal shower where the bride asked everyone to bring a copy of their favorite recipe and a donation for a food pantry. I thought this idea was so lovely and could easily be applied to a wedding ... "We kindly request that in leiu of a traditional gift you bring a copy of your favorite recipe" or something like that...
From: Myriam | 3/5/09 at 4:38 pm
Although your reasoning for not wanting to create a registry is perfectly understandable (and thoughtful) many families-like yours- really do enjoy purchasing gifts for couples. And if you had not registered at all, you probably would have ended up with many things you did not want or need.
From: blossom | 3/5/09 at 4:57 pm
i'm totally with you - we don't really need anything either, and strongly resisted the registry idea. however, between people expressing the desire to give gifts, and not wanting to receive a pile of things we have no use for,we decided to add a'gifts' section on our wedding website with links to two (very small) registries, two charities that we like, and a full description of our honeymoon plans should anyone want to contribute...
From: Poster Print Blog | 3/5/09 at 9:37 pm
I agree with you on that, gifts are not really important during the wedding. What's more important was to be with your family and friends. It's the presence of those people that's close to your heart, as they share this very special moment with you...
From: Steph Lewin | 3/5/09 at 11:01 pm
My fiancee and I are in the same boat. We are both close to 40 and live in a small one bedroom apartment until i am done with grad school. We just don't NEED anything. We decided to open a honeymoon registry instead. I found a website that does it for free.
I just recently blogged about it at http://www.TartDeco.blogspot.com
From: sadie | 3/6/09 at 12:30 am
I completely understand how you feel. We had a wedding where every one of our guests was from out of town and the idea of having a traditional registry for our wedding made me sick. It's so antiquated {just like you, most couples have lived together and already have the essentials) and it almost always strikes me as greedy and childish -- like a kid writing out their Christmas list.
We couldn't do it. We asked guests for their presence only and then, only if they felt compelled, to donate in our honor to a charity we chose. We did end up getting quite a few checks and presents but I don't regret our decision in the least. Dictating presents to the ones you love just seems so vulgar.
From: sonjia | 3/6/09 at 12:38 pm
it's funny because we did exactly the same thing. my fiancee and i registered at Heath and Broadway Panhandler. i mostly wanted new dishware that would last me forever.
From: Katie | 3/6/09 at 2:42 pm
I think you made the right decision to create a small registry even though you honestly don't want your guests to buy you any gifts. People are going to buy them anyway--out of their sincere desire to contribute a token of celebration of the start of your married lives together, out of habit from years of attending weddings, or for any other reason--so it might as well be something you'll use and enjoy. Otherwise you might end up with a pile of things you don't need or want, and if they're not returnable, you're stuck. Of course you can donate stuff, but then the giver might come over one day and ask where it is...yikes!
From: Talley Sue Hohlfeld, Weddings managing editor | 3/9/09 at 12:03 pm
I'm always struck by how much the "aunts" in my ILs' family really like registries. They WANT to give presents, and they WANT to be dictated to!
I was squicked out by registries, too, and registered only for fancy china, crystal and flatware.
And got chastized for not registering!
The thing is, American etiquette says to guests, "you get a wedding present; you just do." They *have* to, or they'll feel rude.
It's a weird little dance, isn't it?
I like to think of the registry less as "a way to avoid getting stuff I don't want," and more as "a source of ideas for people who feel unsure." That made me feel better about it.
From: Andrea Szarvas | 4/8/09 at 2:41 pm
We registered at EXACTLY the same 2 places! We absolutely love our Heath Ceramics pieces! I highly recommend them!
From: Andrea | 5/19/09 at 8:27 pm
I totally agree. I cannot stand the weddings in expensive locations which require plane tickets, hotels and car rentals and then have 5 huge registries just to make sure everyone really pays for their plate of chicken. Ugh. I refused to do it. We're having a small wedding anyway, only 25 people, and I told each and every one of them that their presence on our special day was more than enough. I don't know if anyone will listen, but I do know that they could tell I meant it!