Posted by Grace Bonney, of Design*Sponge
Aaron and I are only six weeks away from the big day, and I’m starting to panic. Not about getting married, but about everything coming together. There are so many little loose ends that need to be sewn up that I’m trying to just take it one project at a time. I’m really starting to understand the whole “stressful wedding planning” thing now. I’m thankful, though, that it’s only the last few weeks that are like this.
Last week I realized that we’d given people an RSVP deadline that was way too late and would put our calligrapher in a place where she couldn’t finish in time. So this week I’ve been calling and emailing people about their attendance so I can get names and table numbers off to her in time to make tags and have them sent to Georgia for the wedding.
Then I realized…table numbers! Seating assignments! Argh! Aaron and I didn’t think about that at all yet, only that we didn’t want to assign specific seating. But just about everyone I know has told me that assigning tables was a necessity.
So, now I’m sitting here with a list of 90 names trying to figure out how to make this work.
My question to you guys: What do you do when almost 90% of your wedding list is comprised of married couples? I always hate being seated at a singles table (I’ve been at my fair share in the past) or, even worse, the “random” table (Aaron and I always seem to be at that table) of people that the hosts couldn’t figure out where to seat.
Is it wrong to mix single people in with married couples? Is it wrong to group people who don't know each other together?
My gut instinct is to group people who know each other together because if I went to a wedding with a small group of people I know, I’d want to be seated with them.
If that’s the case, here’s a bigger question: Is it wrong to put married couples on a single table card? Ours will be little hanging cards, and I thought it would be nice to put more time into fewer cards by doing “John and Ashley Smith” instead of a separate card for each person in the couple. But is that lame? My “tacky” meter is starting to rise a bit so I wonder if this will come off as cheap, and not just a way to allow me to spend more time on nicer card stock and the details that go into each card.
Has anyone done this or been on the receiving end of joint cards like this? Did you like it or hate it?
The questions are pouring out of me now— help! Panic has set in! What do I do about our families? I’m not a fan of giant long wedding tables, so we’re doing groups of 10 at tables. But I can’t fit our whole wedding party and our families at one. Will I offend the wedding party and family if we’re split into a few tables? Should we sit with our parents over friends? Ack! And lastly, why didn’t I figure this out earlier?
From: Ally | 3/12/09 at 9:26 am
I did Mr. & Mrs. on my escort cards, and I sat singles with married couples. *gasp* No one seemed to really care (or notice, maybe). I just put people where I thought that they would get along best. If I had a couple people who wouldn't really know anyone but my immediate family, I sat them with people who had common interests, or similar personalities (sit laid back, funny people together, and proper people together). It all worked out really well, and some people even made new friends in the process. We did a sweetheart table and sat immediate family together at their own tables (close by each other & us). Use your gut... it usually works out for the best!
)
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p.s. I didn't do this until 2 weeks before the wedding... you're still ahead of the game!!
From: Tifany | 3/12/09 at 10:05 am
Nearly all of my clients do Mr. and Mrs. on one card (or listed together on one line on the seating chart). I totally agree, families want to sit together - you don't want to sit with people you don't know. Could you sit at a "Sweetheart Table" with just the two of you? Then you can split the bridal party up and seat their guest with them.
From: Cara | 3/12/09 at 10:48 am
I've been to a few weddings lately where the fiance and I don't know anyone but the bride and/or groom. We've sat in all sorts of places and the best is when they put us at a table with people we have stuff in common with - regardless of whether they're married or single. And even before we got engaged, we'd often be on the same escort card and that was totally fine.
From: Leika | 3/12/09 at 11:20 am
I have seen couples' escort cards many times, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. And you can definitely seat singles with married couples, especially if they know each other...I'd try to group friends as much as possible.
As for your tables, there's nothing wrong with splitting up the wedding party, and you should sit with whomever you prefer. If sitting with part of your wedding party (maybe honor attendants and their SOs, plus part of the wedding party to fill out the table) makes you happier, but you're worried about the reaction, go for it. It sounds like that's the direction you'd rather take. And you can go visit the parents table (someone will certainly let you steal their seat to talk to your parents for a bit!) anytime you want.
For all of the above -- do what makes you feel happy and calm, and go with your gut...it's giving you good advice!
From: lucie | 3/12/09 at 11:23 am
1) Don't worry about mixing married couples and singles together at a table. Instead focus on sitting people next to who they know (and like!) so that it is more enjoyable for your guests.
2) The bride and groom sit with the wedding party (not the parents/families) or at a small table by themselves. A small table for 2 might seem strange, but it is a nice chance for you to grab a few private moments with your new spouse. You will spend a good amount of time socializing with your guests and probably won't eat much of anything. Where you end up sitting won't matter much because you will probably spend a good amount of time going to each table to try to speak to each of your guests, and not a lot of time at your table.
3) Relax and breathe! : )
You won't even remember all these little things that seem so important to you now after you have been married for a few years. Try to focus on making your guests comfortable and enjoy your day.
From: Ainsley | 3/12/09 at 11:25 am
The "head" table, where the bride and groom sit, whether it's long or a round 10, is usually bridal party. Your parents sit with family, but at the table closest to the head table. If your bridal party is too big for a 10-person table, and you want their guests to sit with them, you would start with bride and groom, best man and date, maid of honor and date. Going down the line from there, you fit a few more bridal party members and dates at the head table, and place the rest at tables with family if they're family, and friends if they are friends. Once you actually sit down and do it, most of your guests will easily fall into a spot, no worries.
From: Bekka | 3/12/09 at 12:19 pm
I think it's more important to put the family with the bride and groom. It depends more on who knows one another and who would get along. At my sisters wedding, half the people were French and didn't speak English, and half the people were American and didn't speak French.
She was able to split people first based on language, and then it was more based on age group than anything. Our parents generation (aunts, uncles, etc) and grandfather at one table, then 20 and 30-year-olds at another. It worked out really well.
The wedding party was very small, there were only three of us, but we were separated and were more than happy to sit by people we didn't know. I felt like it was part of my job as a bridesmaid to be social with people I didn't know very well.
From: radish | 3/12/09 at 12:43 pm
I think I've been to more weddings as a single than a plus one so my thoughts are I don't care if I'm sitting with married couples if I know them and they're my friends. Familiarity is always better. Also, I don't think 1 card / couple is bad but for counting sake, maybe having a card per person is easier??
From: elisabeth | 3/12/09 at 2:59 pm
Firstly I'd say there is nothing tacky about putting a couple on a single escort card -- do it!
Reading through these comments I realize we may have been incorrect in our seating arrangement but so be it.
We had one very long table for 36 -- with two instead of one at each end (it was two tables wide). This table was for family, and to avoid family at the opposite end feeling left out my mom and husband's father held court at one end, my dad and mother-in-law sat next to us. Everyone else sat where they wanted to in between.
We then had 8 tables of between 10 and 12 on either side of this long table. Our bridal party was not seated together, and the general rule for seating was to try to make for interesting conversation. Single friends who could easily hold their own were seated with married couples and other singles they might have never met before. They were put together based on interests and assumed familiarity with the same topics.
Conversation was important to me -- I also had a no speeches / no interruptions rule during dinner, which was family style, all the better for conviviality.
From: Kari | 3/12/09 at 3:16 pm
You can do whatever you want it's your wedding. I didn't want to sit at a sweetheart table (we have the rest of our lives to be one on one) or at a weird medieval looking one sided table, so we had the venue put together a large rectangle table that fit us, the bridal party and their dates (all 18 of us) around it. It was fun having everyone there and good for conversation that our wedding party didn't spend the night looking across the room to their dates sitting awkwardly at the 'date' table.
From: Alice | 3/12/09 at 3:27 pm
I echo the more unorthodox comments posted already. I lived in Denmark for awhile and adopted an amazing sit-down dinner party ritual from my time there: couples are ALWAYS placed apart. It's so ingrained in the culture that people expect it and look forward to meeting new people at a social gathering. And when everyone finds themselves in the same situation, it takes the awkwardness out completely and people just end up making the most of it. It also completely disregards the fact that you are married or single (which is not important anyway).
For a wedding, I'd just keep family together and mix all the "young" people up, while being thoughtful of who would get along with one another when making the seating arrangements. I'd also include a few people who already know one another in the same table but not place them right next to each other, so there is an air of familiarity but they are not sitting so close that they only talk to each other. And there should be no rules - at a friend's wedding, they placed two old friends that were living an ocean apart right next to each other. The wedding was their first reunion in a couple years and the thoughtfulness of that arrangement was just so sweet.
I've found it just fine to catch up w/ people I already know during cocktail and dancing later on. After weddings like this, I always felt such a closeness and intimacy with not only the bride and groom but their amazing network of family and friends.
From: Amy | 3/12/09 at 3:38 pm
Singles: Definitely go with your gut instinct as far as sitting singles with couples they know. I would much rather sit with people I know than strangers if it was possible. If there are singles there who don't know anyone I agree with putting them with people they may have something in common with.
Placecards: I see seating cards everywhere with couples names on it - don't even think twice, just do it. I can't imagine anyone noticing or disapproving - it's perfectly normal!
Main table: At my wedding, we had our parents, one sibling each and sibling's significant other, and one grandmother at our main table. Our family just worked out that way.
Set-up: Our wedding was in a big old empty house, each branch of our family had their own room with about 4 smaller tables each. We really assigned "rooms" instead of tables and people could still pick where they sat within the room. Maybe you can incorporate this into one big room - "North" section, "South" section, "East" and "West"? Anybody else have experience with a non-table seating arrangement?
From: Christina | 3/12/09 at 4:28 pm
I actually didn't assign seats other than those for the wedding party. We reserved three tables for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and parents. We sat with our parents and the officiant, and mixed the wedding party together. We made the escort cards and put them near the entrance to the reception so that people could pick them up as they came in and place them at their seats. Regardless of where you assign someone a seat, people are going to switch to sit with the people they haven't seen in years, etc. Every family has politics and we didn't want to have to worry about seating the wrong people together. I still hear to this day how unhappy some of my friends were at our friends' wedding over the seating arrangement. I didn't want to have to deal with that at mine ... there were too many other things to worry about!
From: Kristen | 3/12/09 at 4:47 pm
As a single who has been to several weddings, and been seated at both the "singles table" and the "people who know each other table" I have to say I had more fun at the mixed couples and singles table where I knew people. The singles table wasn't so bad, but I didn't know anyone and that made it awkward. But people really only sit at tables for the eating part, then everyone should be up and dancing anyway! Just remember, it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want!
From: n. | 3/12/09 at 5:29 pm
i think the interesting and fun part of a wedding is that there are always people coming together who most likely do not know each other, that´s the whole point of having place-cards or tables! the thing they all have in common is that they are all connected to either one of you or both. so that´s a start for EVERY conversation.
there will always be groups of people who know each other and are most likely the friends from your everyday life, but it´s nice for people from other parts of your life to get to know people too.
in europe you NEVER sit couples or married couples next to each other or even at the same table, - only engaged couples sit at the same table but not next to each other.
i think mixing people up as much as possible with an eye on common interests and maybe other connections is the way to go.
no matter what you do you can only organize that part so far, in the end everyone is responsible for having a good time by how open and giving they are themselves!
From: N | 3/12/09 at 6:51 pm
I always prefer to sit with people I know because often the wedding is also a nice reunion for a lot of people who live in different places and don't get to see each other that often.
The one seating arrangement that I didn't like was at my friend's wedding where I was in the bridal party. My friend and her husband sat at a table with their whole bridal party, myself included, but none of the bridal party's dates were at the table. With a wedding party of 8, this created 8 more "singles" who had to be seated at other tables. They ended up spread all around at different tables. My fiance, along with most of the other significant others, didn't know anyone else at the wedding and I felt bad that he had to sit with a bunch of strangers. It was especially odd since I only knew the bride and none of her other bridesmaids. I would have rather been at a different table, but with my fiance.
From: Veruca | 3/12/09 at 8:00 pm
As a single person, I ALWAYS feel ghettoized at the "singles" table. I much prefer to be seated with people I know or people I have something in common with or would organically get along with, married or otherwise. I'd advise, best as you can without making yourself nuts, to avoid quarantining the marrieds and singles. That said, if there's a single guy you think I'd like, seat him with me at the cool table!
From: JMT | 3/12/09 at 8:31 pm
I'm not into the idea of long head tables (too 80s) or having a table just for the bride and groom. As the bride, I want to be with my family and friends not away from them (that's what the honeyroom is for, right?) so for our wedding we're having our parents, MOH and Best Man along with their spouses sit at our table. We're not having any bridesmaids or groomsmen, but if we were I would sit them with the people they know.
We are having assinged seating because we have 180+ guests and think this would be easiest. Non-assigned gives me visions of like the first day of school in the cafetria, "Is this seat taken..." But I've been to smaller weddings where there wasn't assinged seating and it was great just being able to sit with whomever we wanted. So there's perks to both styles.
From: sera | 3/12/09 at 9:45 pm
Is it really that bad if you don't assign seats? I can't remember the last wedding I went to with assigned seats, but now I'm getting nervous that I should do the same thing.
From: Jess | 3/12/09 at 11:58 pm
Just remember - there are no rules. It's a wedding, not a military installation - Moses did not bring down seating chart rules on the stone tablets - just do what you feel is natural. It's YOUR wedding above all, so just do what you want to, and don't worry about what others think.
This is what I tell my mom every time she starts to panic about my upcoming wedding. She's starting to see my logic.
From: flynn | 3/13/09 at 9:05 am
Group the people who know each other together - as long as you're doing that, the single / married ratio won't matter. As someone usually attends weddings alone, it's only awkward if you're single and get placed at a table of couples you don't know!!
It can be really fun / interesting to mix two small groups of friends who don't know the other group at one table, but if that involves even more headaches, it's not necessary to try!
From: Palomita | 3/13/09 at 9:08 am
Don't worry, no one will remember details like this
Just group people who know each other together (which includes their significant others). Don't separate couple!!
This is what I did:
Table One: my family
Table Two: his family
Table Three: his brother and friends
Table Four: my brother and my friends
If you're really stressed over this, just delegate it to someone else! Everyone wants to help.
From: violarulz | 3/13/09 at 10:57 am
my favorite seating assignment trick (works for assigned seats and for just assigned tables) is to write everyone's name out on a small size post-it note. You can even color code them (pink for single gals, blue for single fellows, yellow for your family, orange for his, etc.). Then, if you're doing assigned seating, make a mock-up of the table layout on poster board and play with where people go. If you're just assigning by tables you can use sheets of paper instead. Then you have a visual of where people will be an not accidently assign someone to two tables or none at all.
I think couples on the same card should be limited to married people.... but that's just me.
From: tula@whorange | 3/13/09 at 5:52 pm
hi grace, you've always been my queen of style and savvy, so i'm somewhat relieved to hear i'm not the only one freaking out over the table seating and last minute wedding details (i'm getting married in ten weeks).
we're sitting at a sweethearts table just to avoid the politics of whose table we sit at. plus, we're going to be walking around most the time, so we figured it wasn't a big deal.
we're dividing our wedding party amongst the different tables and seating them with people they know. i think integrating the wedding party with the guests makes everyone more comfortable and creates less of a "us and them" feel.
and i think couple's names on one card is perfectly fine!
From: Brice Corder | 3/14/09 at 9:29 pm
Alright, It is def. a tricky situation!!
First....I think mixing people by common interest or friendships is great. I cannot tell you how many weddings I have attended which jumbled all the singles at a table where we ended up discussing how horrid it is to be "singled" out. Its like we are not special. Your instinct was right mix them.
Second, Place cards. Ok, now as a designer and stationer its a common question i receive. Is it okay for a Mr. & Mrs Couples Card?
Here is my answer. NO! So much effort is put into table design and it urks my eye to see an awkward numbers of place cards on a table. Remember that 5 at a table of 8 is so un-photographable. I know that may just be my OCD and/or me being symmetrically picky; but, why ruin an amazing dining layout with randomly placed cards? An easy fix is to design your favors so they double as place cards. This way everyone gets a name card at each seat.
Best wishes in your final planning....We all know it will be FAB!!
From: Miss Fig | 3/16/09 at 1:31 pm
To help Brice with her OCD, the place cards will be arranged on a separate table (as photographed above) most likely in alphabetical order so guests can find them easily. Most guests will not neatly set their cards on the table, but stuff them in a pocket or stash it with the favor. Your table design will be fabulous and symetrical and photograph beautifully.
From: Llubav | 3/21/09 at 8:01 pm
hey lady,
chris and i did our table arrangements the day before the wedding and we had about 140 ppl. crazy i know, but we were lucky we had his mother doing the calligraphy...but to make it easy on ourselves, we assigned people just to the tables but no actual seating assignments. everyone just found their own place at the table and we did put people we thought would get along...we've been to other weddings were they had the same idea...
can't wait for the big day!! xo
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From: Jeanie | 4/1/09 at 6:28 pm
I went to my partner's brother's wedding last year (that's a mouthful) and my partner was the best man. They had a long table in the front of the room for only the wedding party and I "the date" had a very dull time during the eating and superlong speech portion of the night at another table. Luckily two of our friends were invited too but if they hadn't come I would have been solo. Also they didn't assign seating it was just pick up your name and it was a free for all. So some tables ended up with like 14 people instead of 10 b/c of family members wanting to sit at one table with their kids and other family. I think assigned seating takes the awkwardness out of "where should I sit?" if you don't know anyone. Also having a regular table and not a medieval table like someone mentioned before for the bridal party I think is better especailly if dates get to sit with the bridal party participants! Another good suggestion people mentioned was sitting with your family instead of bridal party. That's what I like better b/c I think your wedding day means the most to you, your groom, and your parents/families. Your friends care but your immediate family care on a whole other level. Also you'll be working the room anyways so you'll get to hang out with your friends! Good luck!
From: Rachel | 10/6/09 at 11:32 am
I'm having my wedding in less than a month and I'm still at seating cards.
It's tradition for parents of both families to sit together at the bridal table with the newlyweds. Thing is, both mother and stepmother of the groom will be at the table.
Will "Mother of the Groom" on both cards be confusing? "Stepmother of the Groom" seems a little awkward.
How should I address each member of the family without using their full name?