Posted by Grace Bonney, of Design*Sponge
I only have five posts left until the big day, and it’s getting down to the wire—and the sensitive subjects. So, today I thought I’d put one of the more uncomfortable topics I’ve dealt with out there and see if I’m not the only one losing it over well, losing it.
When Aaron and I got engaged last February I told myself “I’ll hire a personal trainer in January and start working out then”. I knew I didn’t want to make a big thing out of losing weight, but that I’d like to tone up a bit before we got married.
Fast-forward to January and I’m dealing with a complete lack of motivation, an economy that makes hiring a personal trainer seem as luxurious as jetting to Paris for the day, and a very sweet fiancé who makes me feel like I don’t need to do anything but show up and get dressed to look perfect for the wedding. Sounds great, right?
But over the past few months I’ve started to feel pretty heavy pressure to drop a few. Or more than a few. I’m not under the impression that I’m severely overweight or anything, but I’ve had a few wedding dress sales people (wonder why I hated dress shopping so much?) suggest that I should lose weight before the wedding, as well as a fairly decent amount of friends and friends-of-friends (I know, not the friendliest friends). To be honest, I was pretty offended when an acquaintance suggested I was “brave” for eating carbs six months before my wedding, but now I’m feeling even worse because I’m practically the only person in my wedding party and family not hiring a personal trainer or shelling our for Weight Watchers or some other food-delivery system. I know a lot of it has to do with people wanting to look their best for the Martha Stewart Weddings photographers, but am I missing some fundamental gene that makes me have the motivation to go to the gym just to look good in pictures?
I don’t want to get all hyper-feminist here, but what happened to people just staying the same weight? I know pictures are forever, but sometimes comments and “helpful” suggestions are, too.
Ultimately, I decided I would try to eat healthier and walk a little more (my guilty pleasure is taking car services from Brooklyn to Manhattan), so I did a 3-day Blueprint cleanse and used that to kick-start a diet that was higher in vegetables and fruits and lower in processed foods. Nothing drastic (and nothing I shouldn’t have been doing already), but I feel better and all of the fresh vegetables have definitely been good for my skin. I think this is pretty much as far as I’m willing to go to look good for the wedding, and I go back and forth between feeling like I was lazy for not getting to the gym and feeling like I was right to just stick to being the same old me I always am.
So what do you guys think? Did you feel pressure to drop a few before the big day? Or did you feel supported to stay exactly as you were? Please tell me there’s some lucky girl out there who didn’t have a single person say anything to her about her weight. It might help me restore my faith in wedding-dom.
[Just so I don’t sound like a total bummer: I finally found a wedding band. Phew. It’s simple, super thin and perfect for days when I want to go more low-key and wear a thin band, or days when I want to be a bit fancier and wear both together]
From: Leah | 3/26/09 at 9:31 am
I just got hitched 3 weeks ago- I also felt the stress of needing to look my best, I hired a trainer. Which was great- because I felt really good. I did not "lose" any weight, I guess this is the weight I am. I was certainly toned and felt great. Looking back at the photos I have seen- I didn't look terribly thin or like I had a lollipop head- I looked like me and my husband looked like him. People can comment all they want- that makes them rude and mean. There are all sorts of tricks the Martha Stewart photographers can do to "fix' up your photos- so don't worry about how you'll look. You'll have enough stress with wanting everything to be perfect. Enjoy this time in your life, you'll be beautiful and radiant no matter what.
From: M | 3/26/09 at 9:47 am
Honestly? Whenever someone says something like "you sure you want to eat that? Your wedding is in two months!!" I reply "well, my fiance proposed to the 'fat' me, so he might as well marry the 'fat' me." (Imagine me making air quotes around the 'fat'.)
I got my dress two years ago (long engagement) and I'm not a crazy gym nut or anything of the sort. I had my first fitting last weekend. Fits great, a little big even. Haven't even made any real big changes, except maybe cutting down on soda. I could stand to lose about 15lbs (and you find me a woman who wouldn't say that about herself anyway!) but my dress flatters me. I was starting to feel a lot of anxiety about my weight prior to my fitting because of comments like that, but after they put the whole ensemble on me and I looked in the mirror, I just grinned and it all melted away.
I really don't know what it is about weddings that makes people (in my experience, mostly women) think it's OK to make these comments but you know what? I've seen brides of all shapes and sizes on the wedding boards I'm on, and they ALL look beautiful. Because like someone else said, they're radiant. You're getting married, how can you not look happy and therefore, simply amazing?
From: Emily | 3/26/09 at 10:01 am
I did feel pressure to lose weight before my wedding last July, but it seemed that stress helped me take the weight off more than making any changes to my workout routine or diet. I was working full time and I didn't have a wedding planner, so I think I internalized the stress, which took off about five pounds (maybe not the most healthful way to do things!). It sounds like you have made smart choices so I would just keep doing what you are doing and you will look and feel great on your big day!
From: B | 3/26/09 at 10:03 am
For me the issue wasn't about losing weight, it was about addressing the areas of my body that needed a work in MY opinion and being healthy and the best ME I can possibly be. The same way that I try to be every other day of my life.
The pressure doesn't seem to be on the bride-to-be, though. My fiance has been the one to get all the "wedding weight" pressure!
So, we work out together. It is something that we now love to do together. We've always been active but now we are making a more concentrated effort. We eat healthy and work out and it has been a pretty good way to start and looooooong life together. The good news is that we love each other the way we were and the way we are and will love each other for who we become. It is pretty cool.
From: allison gaudet yarrow | 3/26/09 at 10:03 am
Hi Grace,
Huge, huge design sponge fan. Thank you for putting your intelligent, spirited design pov out there for us to enjoy.
I can completely relate to your feelings about pre-wedding pound dropping. I got married last April (we planned our Georgia wedding from NY in four months) and became indefatigably body-obsessed. I didn't hire a trainer, but I did adhere to a strict exercise routine. Two months into it, I was completely sick of looking at the four walls of my gym.
What was most alarming and exhausting was having to examine my body constantly in sundry fitting rooms, and the endless quest to buy more things for it to wear. Dress. Rehearsal Dinner dress. Honeymoon swimwear. You know what I mean. I became tired of looking at myself, tired of caring so much about my appearance to the detriment of other things, like focusing on the gravity of the event that was about to take place.
I began talking to other women about their experiences, and writing about it. Most women feel tremendous pressure to lose weight before walking the aisle, even if their fiances love them just the way they are. The wedding industry preys on this psychology.
I interviewed New Yorker writer, Rebecca Mead, whose book, "One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding," closely covers the industry. Her theory about the wedding body is fascinating:
"Mead writes that the transition into marriage is, in many ways, less significant than it once was. Many couples choose to live together, engage in premarital sex and become a part of one another's families before they consider making a marital commitment. Some brides force a dramatic transition.
"This need for there to be some sense of difference is very profound," said Mead. "Reshaping your body for the event could certainly be part of that wish to make it feel as if you're passing a milestone.""
Crazy, right? You can read the whole article, about wedding industry psychology and extreme dieting, here:
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/3666/context/cover/
My wedding was beautiful and wonderful, but more importantly, I'm happily married to an amazing man. My sanity has returned in the body image department, but I still feel like too many women are preyed upon by the big business of weddings.
Your wedding will be magic no matter what. Writing about the experience (like you're doing) really helped me keep things in perspective. You can get a million opinions, but don't forget to listen to yourself.
Congrats! Can't wait to see photos on the blog.
Allison
From: Laura. | 3/26/09 at 10:09 am
grace, you are beautiful! and you are YOU, so do what you feel comfortable with. your photos will look great because you will be radiantly happy, regardless of how 'heavy' or 'skinny' you are. i do not think thin automatically means more beautiful and all those people saying all those horrible things should just buzz off. just be you and be true to yourself, that will speak volumes to anyone who is at your wedding or gets to enjoy your photos. also, as a taller/larger than average person, i am always glad to see people who look real/natural in magazines. it makes the subjects way more relate-able.
From: Lillyan | 3/26/09 at 10:10 am
I am happy to report that I never had any pressure to loose weight from friends or family. The only pressure I had was from myself - but then again that has been a life-long battle. I had heard stories that the stress makes you loose weight without the exercise so I was counting on that a wee bit. I did try to exercise a little but no major routine ever stuck. I looked good in my dress and looking back at the pictures all I can see is that we looked happy. This is a big deal since I can always look at a picture of myself and find something I am not thrilled with. If you feel good and your fiance thinks the same ignore everyone else, Martha Stewart Wedding picutures or not.
From: Loora | 3/26/09 at 10:18 am
Salespoeple suggesting you should lose weight ? That's impolite to say the least... Same goes for friends.
I'm not a big fan of hard dieting before an event. Diets cut on you body needs, and I don't think you want to be tired or starved on your wedding. I chose to eat right, hit the swimming pool twice a month and go to dancing classes with my now-husband twice a week, but I started six months before our wedding.
Sidenote: DO EAT ON YOUR WEDDING DAY ! I took a tiny biscuit for breakfast, half a lettuce leaf for lunch (no time, no time !!), and almost fainted right after the wedding ceremony. Emotion, joy + no energy = bad idea.
From: Amy | 3/26/09 at 10:27 am
My wedding is three weeks from Saturday. I was always an active person as a child, and the older and older I got, the less active I became. When I got engaged January '08, I decided to use the wedding as personal motivation for me to get back in shape. (which didn't really kick in until someone mid-last year.)
I had successfully lost 15 pounds and was feeling really good about my goal of loosing 20-25 pounds before the wedding (mind you, I'm not overweight, just bigger than I liked). Two months ago, I broke my foot due partially to a stress fracture from the intense work outs. Since then, I've learned to accept me for the way I am. I know I will look beautiful in my dress no matter if I'm 130 pounds or much more!!
From: rachel | 3/26/09 at 10:27 am
SO MUCH PRESSURE!
no one flat out said "you should lose weight" but everyone and their mom ask "are you planning to lose weight?" in that high pitched, overly optimistic tone. I bought a dress at a rack sale that was a slight bit snug, and figured i could get it altered. I brought it to an altering shop, and the woman said "Oh...don't be silly! ALL BRIDES lose weight for their wedding. You don't need us!"
she was willing to REJECT MY BUSINESS to tell me that all brides lose weight.
I ended up losing a little more out of stress, and definitely started eating healthier - which is BETTER for stress anyway - but it IS a ridiculous thing. I got married in july, and have gained back every pound i lost, and still feel like i'm a reasonable weight. It's funny to look at the photos, and know that my kids will see them and think "wow mom...you were SO thin!!" and know that it only lasted a few months.
Grace, I've seen you in person, and you are TINY. I would have killed to be as small as you already are, for my wedding.
be healthy, eat well, exercise because it's good for you, and you want to feel beautiful at your wedding - which is one big crazy paparazzi event for your family, and you WILL see lots of photos of yourself. But don't be ridiculous. You're a beautiful lady!
From: Bridgette | 3/26/09 at 10:37 am
No one has told me to loose weight, but my dress fitter did say that I couldn't gain any because the dress fits perfectly now. And honestly I like food way too much to ever give it up. Luckily for me, I like to exercise too.
From: grace | 3/26/09 at 10:45 am
i wonder if guys feel any pressure? i know of lot of husbands, boyfriends and fiances who are less than model-thin and it always irks me that no one looks at them and says, in a perky-high-pitched-voice "are you planning on losing a few before the big day".
i wish stress made me not eat. it makes me reach straight for a gooey chocolate brownie
thanks for your 2 cents guys!
grace
From: Liz | 3/26/09 at 10:45 am
I couldn't have said it all better myself. All of the women in my family are working out for my wedding but I haven't felt compelled to join them, until yesterday. Truth be told, I just went for my first "run" yesterday in well over a year.
I personally don't have much motivation to get fit for my wedding. But I also haven't heard a peep from anyone about my weight. I'm very sorry that you feel pressured to lose weight, and that your people have even gone so far as to tell you to your face that you should lose weight. Like you, I have a supportive fiancé who loves me just the way I am, flappy arms and all. And I feel lucky.
But I was just thinking about it to myself and realized that I didn't wear a tanktop all summer last year b/c I feel self conscious about my flabby arms. And I don't want to feel like that this summer. So I decided to take the plunge, but only because of how I feel when I'm 5 lbs lighter, not becuase of the looming wedding date.
P.S. I wish that eating great would change my skin tone, you're so lucky! And I'm sure you look beautiful no matter how much you weigh and will continue to be for your wedding day.
From: Steph Lewin | 3/26/09 at 11:04 am
I'm using my July wedding as an extra motivator to lose weight (I tend to do better with specific date goals) but it is not my main reason. Not one of my friends or family has said or asked about it and I am considered a "curvy girl." I guess I am very lucky to have people in my life that don't consider it an issue.
I also am making my own dress and using a custom made corset underneath, so I know I will have a nice smooth silhouette no matter what.
From: Catherine | 3/26/09 at 12:47 pm
What a relevant post! I think so many of us brides-to-be face this issue. I am getting married in just three weeks, and had a fairly short 7-month engagement. In terms of losing weight, the biggest thing that keeps me sane about it, is that when I look at all my friends' wedding photos, I seriously don't recognize them in their photos.
They never looked like that person in the photo ... before or after the wedding. I love photography and love what photos can capture about ourselves, a moment in time, etc. For me, I want to look at my beautiful and interesting wedding photos and see "me" -- not a thinner version of me that never existed either before or after the wedding.
In terms of losing weight, who can't stand to lose a few pounds these days (okay, so some people don't, but most of us could do with a little loss). I think the decision to lose weight has to be something separate from the wedding (in my opinion). [Like, do I want to be healthy because I plan to get pregnant right away, etc. That's a great reason to be more fit.]
I understand that you probably are feeling a bit more pressure due to this being a Martha Stewart wedding. But, like many of these ladies here have said, photographers are amazing, you project a vivacious spirit and that will show at your wedding, and no one had to break a hole in the side of your house to get you out ... so I think you'll look just fine as you are.
From: Brittany | 3/26/09 at 1:01 pm
Grace, when you write about your wedding planning it often causes me to flash back to our wedding 2 years ago, May 6th (seis de mayo). I love that you are offering a more non-traditional approach to this all because I feel a lot of brides today are so easily swept into the hoopla of bridal magazines, extravagance beyond their means and an image that doesn't do justice to the creativity a wedding allows. I can't wait to see how your big day turns out!
From: Maren | 3/26/09 at 8:15 pm
I, too, have had several experiences with the weight issue. My first experience was attending a bridal show where none of the vendors seemed to pay any attention to me. I've actually been in the wedding industry for years (I'm an invitation designer), and having exhibited in a number of bridal shows, I know all about them. In this economy, I can hardly believe that people would be so high and mighty that they wouldn't even consider working with a bride who isn't model-skinny.
I then went to the most exclusive dress shop in the region to try on gowns, and although I was the only bride in the store, I was escorted to the very back dressing room - the one with a step stool and a tiny mirror. As I left the store, I saw all of the skinny brides on the pedestals in front of the enormous mirrors, and realized that they had been trying to "hide" me. Needless to say, I didn't buy my dress there, and I certainly will no longer be referring brides to that particular shop.
Then, when we had to postpone the wedding, my mother's first comment was, "Well, it will give us a little more time to lose weight."
You know, I'm not thrilled that I'm a "fat bride." I'd love to be a size 4, or even a size 10, but that's not in the stars for me. But I am still beautiful. And my fiancé loves me just the way I am. So to hell with everyone and their obsession with being skinny and "perfect." I, for one, would rather be happy.
From: anon | 3/26/09 at 8:45 pm
Thank you for this lovely post.
If it's any consolation, I lost weight the actual day of our wedding, standing in spike heels for 16 hours and barely eating or drinking for all the excitement!
Good Luck!!! Whatever you do, don't starve yourself, you'll need all the energy you can get. (And MS photographers will make you look like a dream with digital magic, so don't worry!)
From: grace | 3/27/09 at 8:31 am
thank you to everyone for your comments- this has definitely been an interesting foray into the way women view weight, and talking to each other about it.
many of you have emailed me rather than leaving a comment here and the results have been mixed- half of your would like me to remember that it's "not too late" to get a trainer, and the other half are encouraging brides-to-be to embrace who they are and not change that.
i've been pretty overwhelmed by the amount of people who seem to think the MS weddings crew is going to airbrush me to ultra-thinness. i just want to say- that's not something i would ever want or hope to happen. after reading everyone's comments and emails i feel pretty safe in my decision not to try to do anything other than eat a little more healthily and walk some more.
i'll be honest, this has been a mixed bag of emotions for me. i think it will be interesting to see what sort of comments and emails continue to come from this. i certainly hope that people will feel less inclined to hope and ask for airbrushing (some of you emailed me and told me to "demand" a "visual 10 pound loss" from the MS editors- really?) and more inclined to help brides-to-be feel comfortable with what they already look like.
thanks to everyone who weighed in on the issue. har har.
grace
From: Sara | 3/27/09 at 9:13 am
Hello!!
Don't worry about losing weight. STAY as you are. I was married recently (August) and did just that. With all the stress of planning a wedding, you don't need the added stress of trying to squeeze into your dress! If anything, just keep eating healthier.
Besides, you can do as we're going to do and have a fun "trash the dress" photography session later on this year. AFTER the wedding madness was over.
I plan to lose a some weight for that and it's without the madness of planning for a wedding, it's for the fun of getting to play dress up again!
Best of luck!
From: Carrie S. | 3/27/09 at 9:16 am
Thought I'd chime in on my perspective as a genuinely overweight bride. I don't know if it's because I've been overweight most of my life, but I received ZERO pressure from my family (including my teeny, 110l.b mother) or my friends.
I'm glad I could share a positive experience with wedding body issues - I wish all women could be so lucky.
I was married 4 years ago, and I have been consistently 30-50 pounds overweight (for a variety of reasons) for most of my life. I was not particularly looking forward to trying on dresses and dreaded the idea of having so. many. photos of myself. The first bridal salon I tried was awful. Snooty, dismissive, and immediately said, "We're not going to have any samples that fit you." Yes, I know that. Thanks for being so helpful. I left without trying any gowns.
The second salon was a completely different experience. Generous, helpful, encouraging. At one point, my sales girl brought out a Monique L'Huillier dress that I had been coveting, and I balked at trying it on at all. I knew it would never fit over my hips...not to mention the fact that it was out of my budget. She said, "Let's just see what we can do!" Much to my surprise, we were able to shimmy, fold, tuck and clip that dress into a reasonable facsimile of how it might look. I felt like a million bucks, even though the zipper in the back was 12" from closing.
After that experience, I felt confident ordering a dress that flattered me, and the on the day of my wedding...the shape of my body never even crossed my mind. I knew I looked like a beautiful, radiant version of ME.
And the photos? Of course there were a few duds (The Arm That Ate Boston, for one) but overall, the photos were AWESOME. A professional photographer knows how to catch people at their best. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I loved our photos, and how much I still love looking at them 4 years later.
Phew! Apparently I have a lot to say on this issue.
From: grace | 3/27/09 at 9:51 am
"the arm that ate boston" i love it. i know how you feel, carrie. everyone's got insecurities and i just hope that bridal shops will learn not to take advantage of those or to use them as an excuse to not work with them.
i had a woman at one salon suggest that i had "really" wide hips (she said the really while opening her eyes super wide) and that my only real option was a custom couture dress because my proportions were so off. i'm a little bit curvy for someone my height, but again, really? that does NOT make me want to buy a custom dress- it makes me want to walk out of that store...and blog about here
grace
From: Christine | 3/27/09 at 9:55 am
I get the opposite end of the spectrum - people tell me I'm skinny. I hate being called skinny. It feels demeaning because it's a comparison. Yes, I'm skinnier than that girl over there or that woman over there - but why is that a compliment? I can't help but feel it puts down every woman within earshot who is an inch larger than me when people say 'Oh you're so skinny!' Really, we all could do without comments like these...
My wedding dress was about two inches too small when I bought it (second-hand). My grandmother let out the alterations at the zipper (about an inch on each side) and now it fits great! I can't wait to eat on my wedding day! I love food, and it's so important to me that I can try everything that we picked for our guests.
From: Carrie S. | 3/27/09 at 11:04 am
"Really wide" hips? Seriously, lady? You think that's going to help your sales? ::rolls eyes::
I was just on the phone with my mom, and she reminded that when she bought HER wedding dress in 1964, everyone from the sales people to the tailor told her she "MUST buy an extremely padded bra or the dress won't look right." Her response was, "What, I suddenly have boobs on my wedding day?! That's not going to fool anyone." Ha! I guess I know where I get my sass.
From: kathryn | 3/27/09 at 1:42 pm
I must be really lucky, because I didn't have a single person say anything about my weight or even imply that I should lose some. The thought honestly didn't cross my mind (and not because I'm the perfect weight or anything). I think you made the right choice. Being healthy (all the time, not just on one day) is what's important. I'm sure you'll look beautiful!
From: pea | 3/28/09 at 9:58 am
thanks so much for writing this. there is nothing wrong with getting healthy, but the obsessive culture around being skinny for your wedding is scary.
i'm trying to be healthy but not doing anything special or putting a goal number on it. i'm about 10-15 over where i 'should' be according to wedding culture, but i like the way and i am and my doctor says i look great. and guess what? so does my fiancee. and if we are happy, who cares about anyone else?
From: Caitlin Luderer | 3/30/09 at 6:24 am
Hi Grace,
Something I've noticed about myself is that when pictures of me are taken, I always feel uncomfortable (I should lose weight, I wish I had better clothes on etc.), but, years later when I look back on these very same pictures, all I notice is how happy I look . . .
You should exercise and eat well before the wedding to keep healthy and reduce stress, but don't think and worry so much about weight loss, you are going to look AMAZING on your wedding day, no matter what!
From: Brenna | 3/30/09 at 12:40 pm
You're lovely just the way you are, Grace! I'm a big D*S fan, and I think it's ridiculous how inferior sales people and even friends and family can make a person feel. Somehow weddings have become women's opportunity to engage in catty and competitive behavior about whose body is best, whose wedding is the most stylish, and the like. I love beautiful weddings as much as the next gal, but am sad when they become an opportunity for criticism and competition instead of what they should be: a celebration of love and a new life together. I appreciate your down-to-earth stylishness, Grace. Trust your own "healthy barometer" just like you're doing--when you feel your best and have someone to love who loves you too, that's all you can ask for! And as for the airbrushing comments, phooey on those. You'll be radiant, no touch-ups required.
From: Louise | 3/31/09 at 5:35 am
I am just realising how truly blessed I am to have so many supportive people around me. I was the one who suggested that I should 'tone up' before the wedding. Without a moment's hesitation I was met with a sincere 'why?'
I think that this is the crucial question brides-to-be need to ask themselves. What is the motivation behind this? And if the answer is derived from either insecurity or the expectations of others than we should look at ourselves, rather than the scales.
This is an enormous moment in any person's life and should not be undermined by anything.
From: robin | 4/6/09 at 9:57 pm
I wouldn't even worry about it! You are gorgeous! Do some toning excercises with little free weights while you are watching tv and get a great tan for the big day! A great tan is like losing ten pounds. And if your photographer is worth anything, they will know how to make you look glamorous in pictures! Hardcore dieting and depriving yourself may lead to frustration and binging which could make you gain more than where you started! Good luck :O)
From: Jan T | 4/19/09 at 4:44 pm
I'm getting married in 3 weeks and this subject has been on my mind. When I'm stressed out, I ALWAYS gain weight. How can the time leading up to a wedding be stress-free? I am also a professional with a hyper-demanding job, and I can't go around starving myself and spending endless hours at the gym. My main focus has been to keep wedding things as simple as possible and to TRY to stay relaxed. Also, cutting out most sugar, insane amounts of coffee and processed carbs has helped me gain a bit more energy. I know that I will be able to lose more weight AFTER the wedding, since the stress will fade away. My goal is simply to be comfortable in the dress on the wedding day - not feel bloated and frazzled. Should be easy to achieve. I think it's crazy that it has become standard for women to lose huge amounts of weight before wedding day. It's simply another consumer craze - another thing for us to pay heavily for, and to feel pressure about.