I recently came across a discussion posted on Dress a day, one that I thought you'd all be interested in reading. It's about wedding attire, specifically, what you should not wear to a wedding. As you all know, I wrote a few days ago about Susan Spungen's wedding at Blue Hill at Stone Farm; this response references that wedding, so here it is:
I feel like this battle will never be won by anyone. Just last weekend I attended my friend Susan's wedding, which was held during the day, outside, at a restaurant in Tarrytown, New York. I had planned to wear a very cute, ivory-colored dress that hit at the knee and had very little embellishment, until Deb Puchalla, editor of Everyday Food (our sister publication), told me that it is unacceptable to wear white to someone else's wedding. I decided to poll the office; overwhelmingly, everyone seemed to share Deb's sentiment. But I still wasn't satisfied.
I checked several etiquette books and found that the answer varies depending on whom you ask. Emily Post (17th edition) says white and black are fine to wear, but the fabric and cut of a white dress shouldn't be bridal at all. In the end, I think that any color goes. With weddings today, some rules can be seen as inspiration, allowing you to personalize and go with what you think feels right-whether you're the bride, groom, or guest. But remember there are many people who still frown upon wearing black or white, even red, though there's been no mention of red in the etiquette books I've looked in. They may give you looks, and you may become the talk of the town, but if you can handle the scrutiny, then go for it.
As for me, I wore the ivory dress I had planned to wear. I knew Susan was going to wear a long, ivory gown and veil, so I wasn't afraid I'd be confused for her; then again, I did joke with my husband that I might be bombarded by angry bloggers once I posted the photo of me in ivory. If people were talking about me, I don't know, but I had a great time, and I know Susan wasn't offended. And isn't that what really matters, anyway?
Here I am with Susan (center).
From: Kate | 8/27/07 at 12:34 pm
I don't think that wearing white is appropriate unless you are the bride. It takes away from the bride, as seen in this picture.
From: Angela | 8/27/07 at 1:16 pm
I think I have to go with Kate (the post above) on this one. I couldn't tell from the photo who was the bride and who was the guest.
From: Greer | 8/27/07 at 1:55 pm
This is such a sticky issue! I recently went to a wedding where I had my perfect dress picked out- a really cute strapless ivory BCBG dress with black embroidery- but the night before my flight I just couldn't do it and packed a cobalt blue dress instead. I think it shouldn't be about whether you (the guest) can handle the scrutiny or talk behind your back because the point is that it is not really about your personal comfort level or confidence. In everyday situations, I don't care if people talk about my outfit or give me looks, but for someone else's wedding, I just didn't want to be "that girl" that someone's grandmother or aunt was talking about. And it isn't just about that one day or night either- in the couples' pictures for the rest of their lives, I didn't want to be the one that caused people to say "Who wore white at your wedding?!?" I just wanted to be a guest at the wedding, and look nice in the absence of controversy and gossip. If I am really honest with myself, I probably would have been bothered if someone had worn white to my wedding. So I always try to go by that rule of thumb, rather than "the rules" in etiquette books.
From: marisa | 8/27/07 at 3:28 pm
i agree, it's not about "you, the guest" and whether you can handle the scrutiny. it's about the bride and giving her a day to stand out. honestly, it's not clear in the pic who the bride is...
From: LH | 8/27/07 at 3:31 pm
I agree too. Only brides should wear white. I am surprised that you wore white considering your line of work!
From: Tia | 8/27/07 at 3:37 pm
Me too. There are a million other colors out there to wear to a wedding.
From: Jenn | 8/27/07 at 4:09 pm
I agree with the above posters...I'm just not comfortable with the idea of wearing a shade of white to weddings.
Also, I probably wouldn't have known that that was a picture from a wedding if you hadn't specifically said so. Usually I think that there is just one person in white at such an event.
From: Kim Petyt | 8/27/07 at 5:27 pm
My sister-in-law wore a white dress to our wedding, and during the wedding itself it didn't bother me at all. In fact, it wasn't even until we got the photos back from the photographer that I saw what she had been wearing- and it really bothered me. Its been almost 8 years now, and I love my SIL very much, but I still feel a little "touchy" whenever I see our group wedding photos. I think part of it may be that your wedding day is one of the only days that you get to be the center of attention, and you stand out in a crowded room in your white dress. If there's another person there in a white dress, it kind of "steals your thunder"... Like another post said- there are hundreds of other colors that one could wear to a wedding, I say leave white (including cream, ivory, eggshell, or even pale beige!) for the bride.
From: Lynn | 8/27/07 at 6:36 pm
For the most part I feel that the red and black rule mainly applies to people who expect to be photographed with the bridal party, however, the white applies to everyone, and should include every variation of white. My mother-in-law wore ivory to mine. Like someone above had also said, I hardly noticed that day, but it is all you see in the pictures. It photographed white. She has caught a lot of flack about it over the years.
From: BaghdadBride | 8/27/07 at 7:01 pm
I see this two ways 1) I personally don't care what anyone wears to my wedding...including white b/c I know I look bridal and they won't. I especially don't care if they wear a white dress that has some other color on it cause that's even less bridal. I also think any bride that lets this get to her is a little bridezillaish. BUT 2) I'd never wear white to someone's wedding b/c they just might be offended by it or some member of their family upset by it. I wouldn't want to risk upsetting the bride on her day especially when there are a MILLION other colors to chose from. Just not worth the risk for me to do personally.
From: Mar | 8/27/07 at 7:57 pm
I also agree with all the previous posts.....for a wedding, white is reserved for the bride only. =)
From: Ruth | 8/27/07 at 11:29 pm
I think not wearing white (or shades of it) is just being more considerate to the bride.
From: Kat | 8/28/07 at 5:23 am
I'll bite and disagree with the above comments - to a point.
I won't be wearing white at my wedding so anyone else is more than welcome to, I imagine other women choosing coloured dresses would feel the same way.
But... I kind of wish there was a way to stop people wearing the colour I -am- wearing
From: Joy | 8/28/07 at 8:59 am
Thank-you for dispelling this - I think you can wear any color to a wedding nowadays. I wore black to my brother's last October. Some people thought it was morose! I thought nothing wrong of it...
From: Tameika | 8/28/07 at 9:56 am
It's not about being "confused" with the bride - obviously we will know who the bride is and who the guests are. It's about respect and common courtesy. Guests are a part of the wedding and celebration to support and uplift the bride and groom. I am sorry, Darcy, but your actions were self-serving and off putting. Although your friend did not mind, it was still rude. You should never wear anything that will draw attention to yourself. I have always lived by one rule - when in doubt, don't. The fact that you had to consult etiquette books reveals your doubt. You should not have worn the ivory. Black, red, blue are all fine colors, but when it comes to white or ivory or whatever the color the bride is wearing, you should steer clear.
From: Ali | 8/28/07 at 1:55 pm
I think it's great that you posses the confidence to wear that dress to a wedding, however if I was the bride, I would definitely be offended and annoyed. While it's probable that no one would say anything to you, I think it's tacky and selfish.
From: Kelly | 8/28/07 at 3:48 pm
Sorry, I'd have to agree with everyone: you put your wants above the bride's. I'd be bummed if that was my wedding photo. Also, the fact that you polled your office showed that you knew you might offend someone by wearing it, but decided not to care.
From: Misse | 8/28/07 at 5:06 pm
If you wore ivory to my wedding, I probably would never speak to you again.
From: rachel | 8/28/07 at 7:57 pm
This boils down to a matter of respect - there is a reason that, as a guest, is it traditional to avoid white - it is disrespectful.
From: theshan | 8/28/07 at 8:20 pm
how do you "know" the bride wasn't offended, as you wrote? cuz asking her, "you don't mind, do you, now that i'm already in the dress" gives her only one option for an answer. and she obviously has more manners than you do.
From: Angela | 8/28/07 at 8:30 pm
why not wear another color, just to be safe? it's not that big a deal to find a pink or blue dress.
From: velvetjones | 8/28/07 at 8:37 pm
I find it wildly inappropriate that you would wear white to a wedding, especially after you were well advised not to. Wearing white to a wedding is essentially giving the finger to the bride and the wedding.
From: moosehead | 8/28/07 at 8:59 pm
wow - some "wedding expert" you are. your choice of attire was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to the bride. were you *trying* to be a jerk?
From: ThomasIrvin | 8/28/07 at 9:43 pm
Miss Manners once answered this question quite succinctly. She was asked if it was acceptable for the mother of the bride to wear white, if she is a virgin. Her answer was pithy: It is not acceptable for the mother of the bride to wear white, whether she is a virgin or not.
The same can be said of you. Shame!
From: ThomasIrvin | 8/28/07 at 9:55 pm
And how kind of the bride to feign not having a problem with you wearing white. She must be a very kind friend to get past the indignation.
From: sf | 8/28/07 at 10:06 pm
shameless & selfish. you should be embarassed trying to make it about you and how you feel. I am SURE you own more than that ONE ivory dress.
From: Xylo | 8/28/07 at 10:28 pm
Anyone who arrives at a wedding in white, beige or cream, as a guest, should be taken firmly by the elbow and escorted OUT.
From: LM | 8/28/07 at 11:01 pm
The only time I might ever approve of wearing white to a wedding would be if it was in mid-summer, and if it was a sundress type garmet with a bright floral print, embroidery or trim. Even then you're pushing it and older folks (ie, grandparents,etc) will notice and comment. I'm all about expressing yourself, but a wedding is not a time to stand out, fashion wise.
From: athena | 8/28/07 at 11:36 pm
Why has no one mentioned how hideous the white dress you chose is?!
Not only was your choice inappropriate (for the reasons mentioned above), but it was FUGLY.
From: Hater | 8/29/07 at 12:04 am
Boo you for wearing white.
From: Betheny | 8/29/07 at 1:56 am
Tacky McTacktress. Someday I hope your friend tells you how YOUR insistence on a white dress made her feel on HER wedding day.
From: Tanya | 8/29/07 at 5:16 am
I think there are better things to worry about in the world. Really, propriety/etiquette/manners etc are really a bunch of hoo-haa our 'elders' created to keep everyone in line. It's not really essential unless its gross (like chewing with your mouth open/spitting on a sidewalk) or definitively disrespectful (like insulting your mother in law). As a society, we've accepted wearing white past labour day. I get that there isn't a bride in this situation, but really, what's the difference? (a rhetorical question, that I will now answer...): A pissy bride.
Why is it that brides have to feel like they stand out from EVERYONE else on that day? As if it's not a special enough day. Most likely they spend thousands of dollars just to put the outfit/hair/makeup together, so they probably look better than the rest of the guests anyways. Grooms wear tuxes, just like his best man. There might be a different tie, or a different colored shirt, but he's fine with blending in. It boils down to prepping and preening that society tells us femmes to do. I like looking pretty like the rest of the population (not just female), but I don't have the inferiority complex as to decree that no one else can dress similarly to me. We need to start looking at weddings as what it is: a great celebration of love and committment - not a grand show for which the bride preen in the spotlight.
From: Jeannette | 8/29/07 at 7:35 am
you're in the front of the picture. i rest my case.
From: Me | 8/29/07 at 8:24 am
You are a dirtbag.
From: Cynthia C | 8/29/07 at 8:27 am
Only the bride and perhaps the flowergirl can wear white. And if you're at a Hong Kong Chinese/Singapore Chinese/Chinese Canadian/Chinese American/etc wedding, you shouldn't wear white OR red. Modern Chinese brides, at least those brought up in the above-mentioned societies, wear at least two dresses-- white for the ceremony and part of the reception and then a red qi pao mid-way through the reception.
From: Erin | 8/29/07 at 9:13 am
This doesn't seem like a tough question to me at all. You do not wear white to a wedding. Guests will talk and the bride may or may not harbor secret resentment, but why risk it? This season, there are so many white dresses out there that it may be hard finding one that is wedding-appropriate. That is no excuse--even a scarf or shawl over that white dress would have made it less tacky.
From: TC | 8/29/07 at 9:55 am
You seem like the kind of person who didn't get enough attention when she was younger- shame on you for wearing white to someone else's wedding. Its rude, tacky and completely unacceptable!!!
You need a different job because you obviously suck at this one.
From: EKB | 8/29/07 at 10:21 am
Why ask for everyines opinion when you are just going to ignore it anyway. You act like this was the only dress in the workld that fit you so you had no choice. It seems to me that you really didnt care what the bride or anyone else would think. you are selfish. If you had to question it, you shouldnt have worn it! Who gave you this job?
From: gigi | 8/29/07 at 10:26 am
Of all the colors why did YOU have to wear cream? Very annoying!
From: Brooke | 8/29/07 at 10:43 am
I'm not going to disown anyone who wears white to my wedding, but I still find it tacky and disrespectful, if not just completely ignorant to the rules of etiquette. Okay, some etiquette rules have become outdated, but of all the dresses in the world, why be so adament about wearing the ONE color you know the bride will be wearing? Personally, I would never wear white to a wedding, and I am always surprised by anyone who does. And, I have to admit, that I do remember anyone who has worn white to a wedding I have attended.
From: Stephanie | 8/29/07 at 10:51 am
Before I read your actual blog, I saw the pic on another site and I didn't know who the bride was. The bride's dress (at least in this pic) wasn't formal enough to remove questions of who the bride was. Needless to say, I definitely think it's selfish and who cares if Emily Post didn't have it as a written rule--you work around a million "Post wannabe's" who all agreed that it was a bad move.
From: sherry | 8/29/07 at 10:53 am
i think the toughest question here is what possessed you to wear that hideous dress, white or not?
From: blondee47 | 8/29/07 at 11:09 am
I wore a white suit with long skirt to a family member's wedding and it never crossed my mind that it was white and inappropriate until my aunt mentioned it to me. Of course then i felt terrible but it truly never crossed my mind?
i don't know which was worse, never xssing my mind or my aunt's sarcastic remark
From: shyestviolet | 8/29/07 at 11:26 am
...does it matter in the end? wouldn't the bride and groom just be excited in the end that you were there to share their special day? what bride gets wacked out that other people are wearing white?! ...this is the most ridiculous conversation I've heard in a very, very long time.
From: redhead | 8/29/07 at 11:35 am
Wow- you are incredibly selfish, rude and classless to have pulled a stunt like this.
From: Lida | 8/29/07 at 12:18 pm
The fact that you "polled the office" shows you knew it was wrong. The fact you consulted numerous etiquette books, yet only cite the one that backs you up, shows you knew it was wrong. The fact that you HAD TO POINT OUT WHO THE BRIDE IS IN THAT PICTURE shows that you know it is wrong. The fact that you knew it was wrong, and did it anyway shows that you are a passive-aggressive biatch in a fugly as hell dress.
From: DCBaxter | 8/29/07 at 12:52 pm
I find it interesting you that you pointed out the bride was "just to the left" of you. Had you not worn that dress, you wouldn't have had to make the distinction.
From: EKB | 8/29/07 at 12:58 pm
WTF is that ugly frock you are wearing. Why were you so bent on wearing that sheet anyway? You should have taken everyones advice and not worn it for your own sake!!! DAMN!
From: Darcy Miller | 8/29/07 at 3:12 pm
I knew as I said in the original post that people have strong and varied opinions on this, and your comments have really underscored that for me. Wow! Obviously, I will never choose my outfit for a wedding again without thinking of this "conversation" with all of you.
From: Emily Jaquith | 8/29/07 at 4:09 pm
I personally would never wear any shade of white or cream to a wedding no matter what Emily Post says I feel it is still inappropriate. I have worn black though which I feel is perfectly fine and normal nowadays.
From: sarah | 8/29/07 at 4:28 pm
honestly, if the editor of Martha Stewarts Weddings came to my wedding, she can wear whatever color she wants
From: Kelly Mahoney | 8/29/07 at 5:19 pm
Agreed. I don't even know if I'll wear white to my wedding. If I get to that point and end up wearing white, oh well. It's just a dress. It's the bride's day, regardless of what she wears.
From: KT | 8/29/07 at 5:25 pm
You just truly don't get how your actions could affect anyone else. You did what you wanted when it was so clearly an occasion to do just the opposite, as your co-workers and so many of these posters attest. You didn't even listen to people trying to reason with you. It doesn't seem we have a "varied" opinion of your actions, it appears that 95% of the people polled think you're a horrid, selfish person for doing what you did. You're in the wedding industry, shame on you. I can only hope I never am half as self-centered as you.
Of course the bride said she didn't care. What's she going to do, start an argument with you on her wedding day? How passive-aggressive and immature of you. This was her day, not yours to make waves. What a sad person you are. You ought to know better. I would hate to be your friend, I hope that beautiful girl thinks twice before inviting you to anything again.
From: lola | 8/29/07 at 9:44 pm
That was unbelievably selfish and bitchy. A wedding is supposed to be a bride's "special day", the bride is supposed to be a "vision in white" not a guest, no matter what your profession.
From: Deborah | 8/29/07 at 11:40 pm
this topic is rather western centric. how about indian and sri lankan weddings where brides wear a red sari for the ceremony and then change outfit for the "going away"? and chinese weddings where red is also the traditional colour for the bride? does one not wear red in those instances? white would be a no-no at indian and sri lankan weddings as it is a color of mourning.
but on the subject of white for western style wedding - i agree, its a no-no for guests. but have a little understanding for darcy. its daring to put yourself out there for public scrutiny!
From: jenn | 8/29/07 at 11:41 pm
i realize why people get so offended when thinking of a guest wearing white. I am getting married in the spring, and I spent thousands to find the most beautiful dress i could find. i would feel silly getting offended about someone else wearing white - because, at the end of the day, you will take the dress off, and hopefully your memories of the day will not be focused around what ONE person was wearing. i think people make a wedding about everything it isn't... who cares if someone wears the same color as the bride? if that was what i was focusing on - i'd think there was a bigger problem at hand. how insecure is the bride that she is worried people won't be "paying attention to her". its not HER day anyway, its her and her husband's day. what if a guest wore the same tuxedo as the groom. would you call HIM "selfish and bitchy" - what an immature thing to say by the way - get a life and focus on what is important - their MARRIAGE not the outfit. jesus.
From: Crystal | 8/29/07 at 11:48 pm
Wow - people sure took this one personally!!! For myself - I wouldn't care. My husband and I had a rushed, 2 week engagement and so we are know planning a special 10 year renewal so that I can wear the white dress, have the ceremony, etc. It is going to be a beach ceremony - and the look I am going with is light and airy so I don't want dark colors. In fact, if everyone wore white, I would be thrilled! My invitations state "white, beige, pastel colors preferred, no dark colors, black or denim please".
I also don't think it is at all hard to tell who is the bride in that photo because your outfit is not at all bridal.
BUT - when I attend weddings, I avoid white because, as you can see, you never know when you might offend someone. Since it is their day, it's sometimes better to be safe then sorry.
I have to wonder though - would you give a guy as much flax if he work a suit that looked to much like what the groom was wearing?
From: Lida | 8/30/07 at 1:19 am
I think you could have maybe, maybe, MAYBE gotten away with it if you had worn a chunky, colored necklace or layers of necklaces or a brightly colored scarf or headband. Something so that it wasn't so uniformly white. I still say that you know darn good and well it was a faux pas, evidenced by you having to point out the bride in the above photo.
From: Melinda | 8/30/07 at 1:15 pm
Dear Mrs.Miller
I am not shocked you got the reactions you got.
Are you?
I am impressed, however, that you left the comments up as you did, you can always hit delete! Many were beyond rude, but good for you for leaving them there, it shows your character.
Welcome to the blogging world Darcy, it can be a little more gritty than the streets of N.Y. as it often requires interaction.
Looking forward to chatting with you in the future!
~W.S.
From: Cay | 8/30/07 at 1:22 pm
I think that in this case, it was inappropriate to wear ivory to THIS wedding... mostly because the dress you wore was entirely ivory, with no detailing or colors. I believe that it's ok to wear a white dress to a wedding, say if it had embroidery or a print that was the focus of the dress. But in this case, where the wedding was rather casual (meaning the bride didn't wear a veil -- that i see in the picture at least, or a really prominent white dress) it was innapropriate to wear that dress. You look like you are trying to upstage the bride. There are many occasions you could wear that dress to, but a wedding is not one of them.
From: Gillian | 8/30/07 at 8:40 pm
Isn't etiquette supposed to be about making people feel comfortable, not shaming them? People purporting to care about "etiquette" and then making nasty remarks about this blogger may need a refresher course on true etiquette and good manners. The fixation on a garment's color is ridiculous. To be so pendantic and cling so tightly to the "rules" of an event that has become more important than the union it's meant to commemorate perfectly demonstrates the warped values of the wedding industry and this society in general. Why all the anger during what should be a joyful event? At my own wedding I would not have cared if anyone had worn white, black, denim, or day-glo orange. I was just happy to be surrounded by loved ones celebrating my husband's and my union. People ought to be free to dress in a way to celebrate the people they are honoring- at weddings, birthdays, and funerals. Your wedding guests are individuals with their own personal style- the only ones you get to dress are your bridesmaids. Note to those who claim confusion about bride's identity: she's usually the one exchanging vows with the groom.
From: April | 8/31/07 at 2:34 pm
NO white. It's not about what YOU think is okay, just pick out something else for chrissakes.
No red, and black is only okay for evening or formal weddings.
From: April | 8/31/07 at 2:44 pm
This was my first time on this site, so I didn't realize at first WHO this blogger was and that it was her in the photo.
I'm getting married in April, and I'm thinking this will be the first and last time I visit this blog. A wedding expert should know better, so I don't think I want to check out any other "advice."
People can say it's silly, blah, blah, BLAH, but I'm with Miss Manners.
From: Libby | 9/1/07 at 11:52 am
Yes, wearing white at a wedding is not good form, but if you need an even better reason your choice of dress & colour is not flattering.
From: LaToya | 9/2/07 at 7:35 pm
WOW!!!!! Some people are just harsh! I'm getting married soon and while I probably wouldn't be thrilled that someone else wore white to the wedding, it wouldn't be the end of the world. After all, isn't the wedding supposed to be about the love you have for your partner and being with friends and family? Not about who wore what. Shame on all of you who are so mean about this trival subject.
From: laura B | 9/3/07 at 8:13 am
the reason Emily Post might not have minded white worn to a wedding is because white has not always been traditional for a bride as I'm sure you know. It became popular once Queen Victoria chose it for her dress. Therefore white wouldn't have been a problem for this.
The very fact you thought it necessary to consult people and books as to whether it would be acceptable or not suggests that caution would say no, choose another colour just in case.
The bride may not have said anything but it doesn't mean she didn't think it. I think you should've thought more about her than whether the custom is outdated or not. It's her day, let her enjoy it. The picture doesn't clearly highlight her as the focus of attention thanks to you.
From: Sally Higginson | 9/4/07 at 2:31 pm
Dear Darcy-
The way I see it, a bride gets one day to be the center of attention. She's the "home team." She gets to wear white. The only other people who get clearance to wear white should be under the age of 7 and carrying baskets of flower petals.
Surely somewhere in your closet another outfit lurked that would have been equally chic and far less white... why not wear that?
Of course, I have learned one vital fashion tidbit that comes in handy for this and all other fashion quandries: People don't really cares what you're wearing because they're so focused on their own outfits. All you have to do is blend, and you're fine.
Wearing white at someone else's wedding violates the "blending" rule. Next time, save the white dress for another occasion.
-Sally Higginson
co-host
Walking on Air with Betsy and Sal
http://www.walkingonair.org
From: Theresa | 9/5/07 at 12:14 pm
My wedding dress was blue. I dont' recall anyone wearign white. A few men had on blue shirts that were the same color of my dress. One lady wore black with silver sequins. The invitation said 4 p.m., informal. I was not totally suprised by her choice, as her daily wear is fabulously tacky as well. it didn't make me made...just amused. I would never wear black or white to a wedding. A lot of people wear black these days - even to afternoon weddings. I think you should wear a color that looks nice on you and looks like you care enough about the couple to step it up a notch.
From: Emily | 9/6/07 at 7:07 am
How many obsessed, rude people have commented here.
Surely, the important thing is being married, not just the wedding? the promises people are making,a nd asking friends and family to support them with?
The wedding industry itself is what I find somewhat distasteful. Rules and so on designed to increase consumption, and show how well off you are, as far as I can see.
From: With Friends Like You | 9/7/07 at 4:57 pm
I'm not a big fan of white or ivory wedding dresses. So few fair skinned woman (ie you) look good in white or ivory. Damn that sack you're wearing is fugly! Why risk ruining someone's wedding for an ugly dress that overwhelms your frame and makes you look washed out?
You damn well knew it was rude to wear that dress. Why else consult just your coworkers and books but not the bride? You, know 'the bride'? The friend you tried to upstage? Yeah, her. You should have asked for her opinion. I'm betting you didn't because she'd have said no.
Plus you use 'I' twenty times in this post. And only mention Susan 4 times. Much ego, sweetie? It's all about you, huh?
DCBaxter - right on babe! Sing it sister.
From: Moe | 10/2/07 at 10:33 pm
I realize my comments are a bit late, but I felt compelled to share my feelings. My teenage cousin, who I love dearly, wore white to my wedding two weeks ago. I never thought I would be the kind of bride who would mind - and even though I knew there was absolutely no malice in her action - it did bother me. I did not and will never say anything to her about it because what would that accomplish besides making her self-conscious and embarassed? And it absolutely did NOT ruin my wonderful day. But I did notice and if it were my daughter or friend, I would encourage them not to do it.
From: Sara | 11/24/07 at 1:14 pm
What in the world is wrong with these crazy brides!? Wake Up! How awful to call someone horrible names based on something they wear! Oh my. I think some of the "posters" need a lesson on etiquette themselves. On my wedding day I hope to be happy enough - not wrapped up in all my "minions" bowing down to me. Who needs this much attention??? The day is a celebration not a opportunity to bow down to the all powerful bride. Yuck. Perhaps if we paid a bit more attention to the marriage than who was wearing what to your big day the world would be better off. I wouldn't care one single bit if someone were to wear white to my wedding. I would be shocked if any of my lovely, well-educated and kind friends would mind this horrible faux-pas either. Darcy, I think you looked darling. I like the sleeve. Also - I hope that the mean "posters" do not because rulers of any small countries. It seems like power goes straight to their heads.
From: Robin | 12/2/07 at 5:09 pm
I've always loved your style on MSL weddings and now look at all that in a whole new light. When I read your original post, I thought "well, I think it's inappropriate, but I'll keep an open mind." Then I saw the photo and it sealed my opinion. Your outfit looks wildly inappropriate for next to the bride in white.
Susan is a good friend for not say anything about it.
From: S. | 12/19/07 at 5:13 pm
I agree with one of the comments that your white dress was way too white. I think it would be appropriate if dress was combined with other color making it less bridal. Also, I think it depends how formal or casual wedding is. If it's more casual/beach-y wedding where bride is more likely to wear dress that is less embellished, or looks more casual you should probably stay away from white. On the other hand if she is wearing a ball gown and you are wearing "little black" dress in white, it might be ok. Then again, you are in bridal business, you should know better !
From: Rebekah @ Elizabeth Anne Designs | 1/24/08 at 12:48 pm
I know this is my two cents too late, wear the ivory, it didn't bother me at my wedding. You know what did? A single female friend wearing a rather revealing red dress.
From: CS | 3/26/08 at 9:43 am
If someone wearing white to your wedding ruins your day then maybe you're getting married for the wrong reasons. You people need to prioritize. You should be happy to be getting married to someone who is wonderful and having people who love you both around you. If what someone wears is more important to you than their being there then you're being petty, spoiled and childish.
From: Lisa M. | 4/4/08 at 11:40 am
Wow. I feel sick to my stomach after reading these blogs. Two years ago my now "step daughter-in-law" had a huge formal wedding at night in May. The bridal party wore long black dresses, and the mother of the bride and groom wore long black dresses.
There was a lot of tension surrounding the wedding due to a nasty divorce so I stayed way out of it to avoid discomfort. I used to pride myself on always doing the tasteful, respectful thing. I am a close follower of etiquette and appreciate good manners. I was intimidated by this wedding because it was so over the top, and it was my husband's son who was getting married. I went to Bergdorf Goodman in New York City, where I live, and asked the personal shopper for Narciso Rodriguez to choose a dress for me for this occassion. He selected a new dress from the spring collection which was a knee length, white linen. It was very Jackie O' -- classic lines, with a matching knee length coat. I asked the buyer if it was okay to wear white, because truthfully, the wearing of black et all, has left me confused. He assured me it was absolutely fine, and customary in NYC at a black tie spring wedding. This wedding was going to be in Washington D.C. I assumed the two were similar metropolises.
As I read these blogs, I felt just awful, awful, awful. So many of them were so aggressive and hateful. I am embarrassed and mortified that I wore a white dress now. The mother of the bride has never spoken to me since --- and the "step daughter-in-law" has surely talked behind my back ... as my husband's daughter is now getting married in May in Kansas, and she asked my husband to tell me not to wear white. This is what brought it all to my attention.
Can someone please tell me if it would be wrong to wear a BCBG black and white striped dress with a black sheer cover up to this wedding in May? The bridal party is again wearing black.
I'm sure many of the bloggers will take pleasure in reading this next comment, but I had tears in my eyes throughout reading these. Tears of shame and unintentionally hurting others feelings. Naively, I have felt the same way some bloggers did --- I was so happy the day I got married, I wouldn't have noticed if someone wore pasties ... it would have been a comical discussion for the books.
But you all have succeeded .. in making us white wearing faux paus-ers feel like jerks. Even though, many of us, truly had no idea in this world of black weddings.
From: sandy4 | 4/16/08 at 8:47 am
Help!We are not going to meet our minimum for our reception! Can we invite additional guests after the response date has expired? Three weeks til wedding.
From: Jen | 5/15/08 at 9:44 am
I think Susan looked gorgeous and you looked lovely and modest. I could definitely tell who was the bride. It seems some people are awfully uptight but I guess it is best not to offend people on such an occasion.
From: Danielle | 7/19/08 at 1:50 pm
Hi Darcy,
I'm getting married next May and I enjoy your site- it's been a great resource for me. Concerning the ivory dress issue, I give you enough credit to believe that your motive was to fuel discussion on this topic- you knew the bride would not be offended and she understood your purpose in doing this. It reveals what our cultural preferences are, and perhaps some misplaced values. If anyone didn't know before, they know now that it's best not to wear a shade of white to a wedding!
I belong to a family of five sisters and just one brother... I know how competitive women are. When a woman draws attention to herself- other women feel challenged and despise her for it. Most people assume that the woman has impure motives. Some women do it inadvertently, others do it on purpose to get attention or to challenge convention. I don't think that a wedding that attempts to follow tradition is the right time and place to critique custom, it's better to go with social norms to keep the peace. However, if the couple abandons tradition in their wedding presentation, it might be less offensive for guests to do the same. Whether the issue is trivial or not, it causes such a problem that it's better to avoid it altogether. As a bride, I would not care so much about a guest wearing white, but certain relatives would bash the person so badly that it would be a negative experience associated with my wedding day.
I don't think a dress should cause so much trouble, but it can, so I think whatever guests wear, they should try to avoid the bridal color (whatever she has chosen)and bold designs and colors that have strong connotations that clash with the mood of the wedding. That's my two cents. And, for the record, I still count you as a professional in this business:) Thanks for the food for thought!
From: Warda | 7/21/08 at 6:01 pm
As noted in one of the earlier posts, the fact that your poll of the office overwhelmingly disapproved of you wearing the ivory dress, and yet you managed to justify doing it anyway suggests that you had already made up your mind, etiquette be damned. Also as noted, the fact that you had to specifically identify the bride in the photo shows that you /could/ confuse yourself for the bride. In short, I do think it was rather selfish of you to wear that ivory dress, when lots of common sense had already told you it wasn't the right thing to do. Most brides probably are big enough not to carry a grudge on the issue, but some brides will feel that it marred their wedding day. Wouldn't it have been simpler to wear a different dress, which would have guaranteed not to have placed you in such an awkward position? As a respected expert in the field, I was surprised that you made such a faux pas.
From: megan | 9/30/08 at 7:11 pm
Interesting that grooms don't freak out when there are other tuxes in the room...
From: Anne | 9/30/08 at 8:13 pm
I think that you brides who would escort people out, never speak to them again, or otherwise act like children are the ones who are shockingly selfish and rude.
A wedding is about having the people you love surround you as you enter into a new stage of life. If one of your nearest and dearest wore cream or white, you'd never speak to them again? Really?
Yes, the bride is at the center of the wedding, but can anyone honestly say that that role is diminished in any way by someone wearing something in a similar color?
I think this is only an issue for brides who think that the day is all about me, me, me. It's not. It's about your marriage, your love, your future, and being supported and held up by the people that you love. No matter what they wear.
Darcy, you looked lovely. And it sounds like you have a sane, adult friend.
From: Anne | 9/30/08 at 8:13 pm
I think that you brides who would escort people out, never speak to them again, or otherwise act like children are the ones who are shockingly selfish and rude.
A wedding is about having the people you love surround you as you enter into a new stage of life. If one of your nearest and dearest wore cream or white, you'd never speak to them again? Really?
Yes, the bride is at the center of the wedding, but can anyone honestly say that that role is diminished in any way by someone wearing something in a similar color?
I think this is only an issue for brides who think that the day is all about me, me, me. It's not. It's about your marriage, your love, your future, and being supported and held up by the people that you love. No matter what they wear.
Darcy, you looked lovely. And it sounds like you have a sane, adult friend.
From: MissCricket | 10/1/08 at 2:06 am
I feel that the amount of hate that is in the hearts of many of these girls is much more offensive than the color of someone's frock.
From: Taylor | 10/1/08 at 1:52 pm
So many angry comments! I guess I'm not very traditional and I don't care if my guests wear white or not. My mother, the matron of honor, will be wearing a white dress to the wedding since my colors are kiwi green and white. Oh, and my dress is cream-colored, so I guess everyone will assume she's the bride, right?
From: Ann | 4/22/09 at 4:19 pm
Wow. I came across this blog entry because I have a friend who wanted to wear a white dress to a wedding and I told her not to do it, but I wanted to google around and check with the internets to see if this is still a rule of thumb. I couldn't believe the commenters who said that brides who would be offended by a guest wearing a white dress on their wedding day must have problems, inferring or outright saying that these women are shallow, egomaniacal, petty Bridezillas who must care more about silly inconsequential details than about being happy in the celebration of her marriage. This is not about pandering to a crazed psychotic bride who can't bear to have the attention off of her for more than one second. That is not the point. Whether the bride cares or not, the point is that Darcy cared MORE about how cute she thought she looked in her white dress than about how the bride, HER FRIEND, might feel about it, which is selfish no matter how you look at it or try to justify it. She had a choice between wearing a dress she liked and the possibility of offending a friend on her wedding day (who would have every right to be offended, in my opinion), and she chose the dress. It is almost (but not quite) as tacky and disrespectful as the guest wearing a cleavage-baring minidress. This is not the Grammys, you are not Christina Aguilera. Someone elses' wedding is not the time to make a forceful statement against traditional sartorial rules, nor is it a forum to wear whatever you want. Maybe the guest in the minidress looks fantastic in it, but there are many places to wear that kind of dress and a wedding is not one of them. Likewise, there are many places to wear a cute little white dress, but not at someone else's wedding.
I love white dresses. Half the dresses that I own are white. If I thought it would be appropriate to wear a white dress to a wedding, I would do it. But I don't. If a guest showed up to my wedding in white, I probably wouldn't say anything about to anyone, and I certainly wouldn't let it affect my day or my happiness, but my opinion of that person would absolutely be affected in a negative way, and much more so if I was aware that the guest knew it was taboo to wear white. And honestly, if it started to be ok to wear white to weddings, I can't imagine that any bride would feel very diplomatic about seeing, say, 30 guests at her wedding all wearing white dresses.
When it comes down to it, it's not that hard to pick a different color other than white to wear to a wedding. Not that hard. When you consider how LITTLE effort it would have taken just to pick up the blue dress hanging next to the white one in the closet and wear that instead, and how much MORE respectful and considerate it would be to the bride to wear that blue dress in order to avoid any whiff of negativity on the bride's WEDDING DAY, then I think everyone knows who is in the wrong here.
From: Cary | 5/11/09 at 7:41 pm
You should NEVER wear white to a wedding. It definitely comes across as a dig at the bride. Also the white dress is meant to be a way to see the bride among a crowd sometimes in the hundreds.
From: anna | 5/10/10 at 11:43 am
I am actually have this problem with a guest for my wedding. She wants to wear a white dress and told me about it. She thought nothing of it.
When going to a wedding, NEVER EVER wear white, ivory, beige, or any shade of these colors. It shows that you have no class.
Red is also not appropriate because the purpose is to NOT STAND OUT!